Friday, August 11, 2017

Oh, this love.

I have something to admit.

I talk about you behind your back.

I know that "they" (whoever they are) say that you should never, ever talk about your spouse behind their back, but honey? I do. A lot.

All the time.

I say that you have the best heart of anyone I've ever met. I say that you are a big teddy bear. I say that you a better person than I could ever dream of being. I say that many things in your life are just really, painfully unfair and you keep smiling. I say all of these things about you.

Sometimes, not enough, I say them to your face. I say, "I'm really glad I married you" and "I'm really glad we have been able to work through some hard days" and "Man, you are so darn cute".

I will try to be better about saying all of those things directly to you.

I've known you since I was twenty-four and now I am forty-one. Forty-one is not old, but somewhere along the way I have realized that we do not have the luxury of time. I don't like that fact I hate it. There is a bitterness in that truth. You and I are both tough people. We have withstood many tests throughout our time with one another and clung, sometimes stubbornly, together. It's been nearly twenty years, which is ridiculous one on hand and on the other hand feels like five minutes.

Time is a thief, though. One that cannot be controlled.

I try not to dwell on that though. I try to take every day as it comes and I try not to worry about the future too much.

Most of the time that's easier said than done.

I keep trying.

My work is hard. My schedule is what can be best described as "punishing". Some of this is my fault and some it is just because life works that way for some people. One of the things I push myself to do is think of the little things that brighten my life. Like coffee and my big round bathtub and all the pretty clothes in my closet.

Every day of my life I look forward to you coming home. The best part of my day is when we lay in bed together, watching old episodes of Law and Order or whatever is on Adult Swim. We laugh and talk and it's the one of the only parts of my day that feels real. The work, the exercise, the endless meetings...none of that really matters that much as far as forever goes. If I died tomorrow my work would replace me immediately. If I miss a workout the world will keep spinning.

The time I have with you though, that is something different. Precious. Irreplaceable.

I hope you will forgive me, for talking about you so much. Knowing you, I'm pretty sure you would. You've forgiven me much worse offenses.

I will try though, to tell you all of this to your face. As often as I can. For as long as we have.

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