Tuesday, November 21, 2017

It didn't work

For about two years now, I've been following a girl on Instagram.

She's on a weight-loss journey and has been for a long time. Her highest weight ever was pretty high...over a hundred pounds higher than my highest weight was (and mine was pretty high).

She's a pretty girl and she's posted a lot of different things over the years, not just things about her weight loss. Sometimes she posts about her family, sometimes about her job. Like many Instagram accounts her weight loss is not her sole focus. Sometimes she goes months and months without losing any weight (been there) and she focuses entirely on other things.

One common theme she has, though, and she's had this theme since I've been following her:

Once I lose the weight, I will be happy.

It's more than that though. She thinks that she'll be happy and find love and have children and get a good job and a million other things that may or may not happen if she loses the weight. Or if she doesn't lose the weight.

Losing weight won't make you happy.

I know this because I thought the same thing. I really did. I have spent most of my life in a state of either mild or major depression and I really believed at one point that if I could just be thin enough, then I would be okay. That my brain would just magically heal itself or some nonsense, I don't know. I just thought, whatever I'm doing is not enough. It's never enough. Surely this will be enough.

It's not.

It's not enough.

My husband and children are not enough. My dog is not enough. I am not enough. My single-digit sized jeans are not enough. Finishing two half-marathons in a year isn't enough. Having a pretty house isn't enough. Literally nothing is enough.

People get so angry when I say this, because how dare I not appreciate being able to live in a smaller body, but I am completely serious when I tell you that if you are a messed up sack of crap right now, you will continue to be a messed up sack of crap if you are thin. You just have smaller jeans. All your other problems are the same.

I don't know this girl in real life. Maybe losing weight really will be the key for her. Maybe this will finally be the secret she's looked for all these years. Maybe this, this one thing, will finally be her "enough".

I hope that's the case for her. I really do. It sucks to live like this.


Jill said...

I'm sorry that you continue to struggle. I'm sorry that we all do. You are cared for beyond your 4 walls.

Jamie said...

Oh honey, if you could only see what the rest of us see... just like my daughter, it’s never enough. You know that when the world looks on, we see beauty, grace, brains... but something really bad looks back at you and you alone, in that mirror. That makes me so sad - to be the one with all of the above plus CONFIDENCE? Imagine what you could do! I really believe we can change our perception, and I pray that you can. Life is so much better when we aren’t fighting our own selves. Big hugs —

Anonymous said...

I know me telling you "You're enough!" won't work, because it doesn't work when people tell me that...but you are.

Have another hug from me.