I understand now that how I feel has never mattered much.
It does, but it doesn't.
Feelings make you weak and there is no place for weakness in what I have to do, what I have to conquer.
Feelings are fleeting. Feelings can change.
I'm wrapped up in feelings. Mired in them. Turned inside out and upside down, drifting.
Well-meaning people say, "Your feelings are valid. Your feelings count". They do, but not in the ways I need them to. They are valid, they are real. They remind me of past hurts. Of things I've tried so hard to forget.
Actions. I always thought actions were more important than thoughts. Than feelings. Than emotions. Be strong. Be brave. Don't talk about things. No one wants to see your tears, no one wants to hear your fears.
This is fine, I guess, until the feelings come back.
Until you realize, they never went away.