Gains

I used to want to be thin. Skinny.

I thought about it all the time when I was fat.

(It's okay to say I was fat. I'm saying it. It's just a descriptive word, not an indictment of who I am as a person.)

I realized when no one could remember me that what I really wanted was to be invisible. 

People only remembered me because I was fat. I hated that. Then when I wasn't fat anymore people never remembered me. They would introduce themselves to me even though we'd already met. I could walk through the airport and be totally nondescript. I was completely, 100% forgettable and it was the best. The absolute best.

I just wanted to be invisible. For a very long time that’s all I wanted. 

I don't know when I decided I wanted to be strong. 

It honestly didn't make sense for me. I had spent literal years, honestly most of my life, trying to be smaller. Trying to be less. I was too much and I knew I was too much. Everyone around me knew I was too much. I just wanted to be smaller and shrink and go away.

And one day I decided I didn't want to shrink into myself. 

One day I decided I was just so damn tired of making myself so small. 

One day I said…this isn’t me. This will never be me. I am tired of trying to be something I am not.

“Don’t lift too much!” people (mostly men) say. “You’ll get bulky!”

I haven’t. 

But if I did, that would be okay.

When my brother died I felt completely powerless. Hopeless. Alone. 

I remember thinking I couldn’t imagine walking back into the gym. It was hard so many days for me to even imagine getting out of bed. It’s still hard sometimes.

But I did. 

I keep getting up. I keep going.

Over and over until it was less hard. Over and over until I felt stronger. Over and over until I could walk tall, with purpose. I’m not shrinking. I am not disappearing. 

I found friends and community. I step in front of classes or one-on-one with others and I can lead them. I have been where they are. I have been far further in the depths than many. None of this is easy for me, and I know it’s not easy for them. As a trainer, I work specifically with people who are morbidly obese or have mobility issues. I know how much they want to shrink. I know I have to show them how strong they are. 

I will be 49 soon and I am delighted by this. I love getting older. I love standing taller. I love feeling like I can lift a horse over my head. I love walking into a room, a meeting, or a discussion and feeling like I belong. 

I love being remembered for having strong arms. 

I love being recommended because I make people smile and feel welcome and included. 

I will never be what the world considers thin. I will never be a bikini competitor. I will never be a perfect eater and I will always be pigeon-toed. 

But I will be strong.

I will cheer for you as you realize your strength. 

I am so, so thankful I get to live this life.