1000 days

 I bought myself the good coffee last week.

The good coffee that I usually have as a treat to myself, that I make in the special machine bought for me by my sweet nephew and his precious wife. I never let myself drink it every day, because it's special and every day could not be special.

Last week though? I restocked the good coffee.

I am incredibly disappointed in humanity as a whole, but I ignore that a lot. It's not up to me to deal with the repercussions of anyone else's choices. I'm in my healing era and that's where I need to be. 

I don't go to church anymore. I haven't for a long time and maybe won't ever again. I stopped finding God there.

 

I do sit with the broken though, because I believe that is God in his purest form. I believe that is where God commands us to be. With the broken.

With the brokenhearted.

 

The friend who lost a beloved pet. Another friend who is worried for his marriage. A lady who, quite frankly, really didn't like me at first and made that very known, who hugged my neck on Saturday because I heard her. I heard her pain. 

I feel her pain.

1000 days have passed since my brother Chris left this Earth and lately, sharply, I feel this. 

Someone I know very gently suggested to me that perhaps I was still too mired in grief and maybe I should seek additional therapy for that. 

It was meant kindly and I know this.

The reality is though that this grief is an appropriate amount of grief for losing someone that important. I told many people (but not him, which I will forever regret) that the last few years of my life he'd become my best friend. He was my first friend. I took for granted he would always be there. There will never be a day I live that I will not think of him. There will never be a day I live that I don't miss him.

Life goes on for me, even though I am broken. 

 

So I buy the good coffee. I tell my friends that I love them. I take my dog on long walks, breathing in every bit of the world around me. I have dinner with my kids and we talk about anything. Everything. They have a safe mom and there is nothing more important to me than that.

I can't bring back my lost brother. 

I can just work on not getting too lost myself.