Monday, November 16, 2009

Not alone.

I try really hard not to think about certain things. I'm not where I really want or need to be concerning the vast majority of things in my life and, as you can imagine, that's pretty much a huge bummer.

It's not all bad, of course. The marriage is looking very positive these days (mostly because we are really a) stubborn b) in love c) committed to one another or d) all of the above). My husband got a new job, which is great. My work probably couldn't be much better. My kids kick so much ass.

But overall? 2009 has been the Year of Massive Disappointment.

A lot of it is my fault. I know this. I'm hugely overworked. I expect a LOT of myself...way more than anyone else does. A lot of things fell apart pretty spectacularly this year, including some relationships that I used to hold pretty dear. I still don't know what happened, in some instances.

I feel pretty alone, a lot of the time. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I don't feel like I belong anywhere except within the confines of the walls of my own home.

It's weird.

Also? It sucks.

This weekend, though, my cousin came to visit me. Our dads are cousins and we are intertwined in really distant ways, but it doesn't matter. I don't suppose it ever did.

It was freaky and I mean FREA-KY how much alike we are. I don't know that we look that much alike, really, and she sounds a lot more unSouthern than I, but beyond that? We were pretty much separated at birth.

And it was nice.

It was nice to have someone to which I am biologically related that actually gets me. I am admittedly not easy to get. But still. It was nice to be able to tell her anything and everything (and Lord, I did) and not worry about her judging me (bad) or telling anyone else (worse).

It was nice to laugh so hard my sides hurt. It was nice to talk so much that my throat is sore (okay, it was nice for me...maybe not for anyone else). It was nice to feel that closeness with someone. To feel like we belonged. To feel like, for once, that I'm not so insanely different than everyone else.

To be a part of something.

I do not think I can explain how I feel about wanting to be part of something more. I do not think I can explain how ridiculously comforting it was to feel like I'm not a freak. I do not think I can ever explain, not even to her or myself, what a relief it was. Just a relief. That for once, I didn't mess it all up. That she wants to be a part of my life...not because she has to. But because she wants to.

It was wonderful.

And I can't wait to do it again.

11 comments:

Bexterrific said...

...you forgot that your hair is much more amazing and larger than mine. :)

Seriously, though - what a fantastic weekend! I had a great, great time. My throat hurt a little bit too, from talking so much, and from fighting back the tears when I left. I didn't want to leave.

YOU are amazing. Your family is amazing. And we're all lucky, lucky people to get to have you in our lives. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

M said...

I get you times a zillionty four. I wish I could figure it out for me.

I'm so glad you had this weekend to find where you fit.

<3 I love you.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

((HUGS)) I'm so glad you had a good time with your cousin.

Deanna said...

I so, so get this:
"I do not think I can explain how I feel about wanting to be part of something more."
So glad you had a great time... plan more of those, don't let it go by the wayside!!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you know, deep down, you are never truely alone. You have One that you can always rely on and that is always there to give you a hug when you need it. It's hard for alot to understand the Loving One, but you know, when all else seems to fail, that is where you can turn.

Elizabeth (Libby) O'Neill said...

Wish I could have been around to shake you out of your funk long before now! Sometimes it's just lonely when you are THAT awesome and unique. :)

Lil Mouse said...

That's really nice. None of my family really gets me either. I have a couple of friends that do, but we rarely see each other, so email is about the only link I have. My husband usually gets me, but he's been super busy at work and it seems like by the time we get baby fed and in bed, we retreat to separate corners to soak up our alone time, which is very very sad. At least I'm sad about it. I don't know about him. I keep asking him if everything is okay and that just pisses him off. I guess the point is that I'm not okay. And I really wish I had someone that 'got' me.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I'm so glad your visit together was awesome and gave you that sense of belonging. We all need that now and then.

Anne-Kathrine said...

Im so happy you had such a great visit with your cousin. Im lucky I have that kind of closeness with my sister. She gets me when no one else does. Hugs to you!!!

Chrissy said...

Glad to hear things in your marriage are looking up. That's good news!

Hey, I have a question for you. I noticed you have your own domain but are still using blogger. How did you do that? I recently purchased my own domain, but now I have no idea how to create my website. I know HOW to redirect to the new domain (from blogger), but I guess my questions revolve around what people will see when they go to the new domain name. Does that even make sense? Lol. Help!

You can email me at firefliesandhummingbirds at gmail dot com.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you can offer! :]

SJ said...

Glad to hear your visit with your cousin went swimmingly well. I know how much you were looking forward to it!