I try really hard not to think about certain things. I'm not where I really want or need to be concerning the vast majority of things in my life and, as you can imagine, that's pretty much a huge bummer.
It's not all bad, of course. The marriage is looking very positive these days (mostly because we are really a) stubborn b) in love c) committed to one another or d) all of the above). My husband got a new job, which is great. My work probably couldn't be much better. My kids kick so much ass.
But overall? 2009 has been the Year of Massive Disappointment.
A lot of it is my fault. I know this. I'm hugely overworked. I expect a LOT of myself...way more than anyone else does. A lot of things fell apart pretty spectacularly this year, including some relationships that I used to hold pretty dear. I still don't know what happened, in some instances.
I feel pretty alone, a lot of the time. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I don't feel like I belong anywhere except within the confines of the walls of my own home.
Also? It sucks.
This weekend, though, my cousin came to visit me. Our dads are cousins and we are intertwined in really distant ways, but it doesn't matter. I don't suppose it ever did.
It was freaky and I mean FREA-KY how much alike we are. I don't know that we look that much alike, really, and she sounds a lot more unSouthern than I, but beyond that? We were pretty much separated at birth.
And it was nice.
It was nice to have someone to which I am biologically related that actually gets me. I am admittedly not easy to get. But still. It was nice to be able to tell her anything and everything (and Lord, I did) and not worry about her judging me (bad) or telling anyone else (worse).
It was nice to laugh so hard my sides hurt. It was nice to talk so much that my throat is sore (okay, it was nice for me...maybe not for anyone else). It was nice to feel that closeness with someone. To feel like we belonged. To feel like, for once, that I'm not so insanely different than everyone else.
To be a part of something.
I do not think I can explain how I feel about wanting to be part of something more. I do not think I can explain how ridiculously comforting it was to feel like I'm not a freak. I do not think I can ever explain, not even to her or myself, what a relief it was. Just a relief. That for once, I didn't mess it all up. That she wants to be a part of my life...not because she has to. But because she wants to.
It was wonderful.
And I can't wait to do it again.