Thursday, November 19, 2009

You take the good, you take the bad.

I got a raise.

Okay, I know. I'm not supposed to TELL people when I get a raise. Stupid privacy and crap. Whateves. The majority of people who read this drivel don't know me or where I work or anything. So I'm not terribly concerned.

It wasn't a huge raise, but I don't care. It's a RAISE. I'm LUCKY. People are getting fired all over and the economy is a load of crap. I'm extremely grateful for my job and I'm extremely grateful for what I get paid.

I'm happy. And I tell Jason. And he's happy for me.

And why wouldn't he be? The extra money means something to both of us. To all of us, actually.

But he's quiet for a long time, and hours later he approaches me and apologizes for his salary. Promises me he's going to work hard in his new job and get promoted and things will be more even.

I didn't tell him to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad about himself. I told him that wasn't my intention, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. He said he didn't mean it that way. I know he's happy for me but I also know it sucks for him. I don't want it to suck for him, but I know it does.

I want to say I don't understand why it's so hard for men to not be the primary breadwinner but the sad fact is, I get this. I get this so bad. I've spent the last year and a half or so being frustrated at having to work so hard and wishing he would do better and not recognizing that he wants more than anything to do better. This sucks just as much for him as it does for me. Maybe more.

I'm learning a lot lately and tonight was a big lesson. It really never occurred to me how difficult this has to be for him too. All I could think about was my lack of sleep and my hours put in at work. How crappy he must have felt, working just as hard as me and not seeing the same results.

I love him for wanting to do more. Wanting to be more.


Jessalee said...

Talk about timing! I posted just today about an argument I got into with Jason, and a situation similar to this was a huge part of the discussion. He's in the middle of a job transition/career transition, but the time it's taken to really focus on that and decide what was going to happen and how it was going to happen has been REALLY hard on us. Gah!

I have to remind myself that he wants it and is working to get there, but I need patience. Something I'm definitely short on.

Sounds like a good breakthrough for you guys. Also, HUGE congrats on the raise!!! I have no doubt it's well deserved.

I KNOW he wants to match my salary or at least come close to it. Right now, at this moment, it's not happening. And I'm really tired.

Sincerely, Jenni said...

We have this same issue. My husband was injured at work four yaers ago, and was deemed "medically disabled" from that profession. A profession he has worked in his entire adult life.

Now he is back in college, and working at a job he semi-likes at about 1/4 of what he used to make. I have always had a well-paying job, but have now become the breadwinner of the house.

I don't think it matters, because it's OUR money, right?

Christina Berry said...

Back in the winter, a lot of people at my company grumbled when our raises were considerably less than usual, but I'm with you: folks should be THRILLED they've even still got a job in this economy, let alone a raise!

As for men and their need to be the breadwinner, I don't know WHY in this day and age, when women fight so hard to be equal, men are still bothered when their gal makes more money than they do. It's some really old-fashioned notion that just won't go away and while I admire that in a man, it also makes me sad for them. It's not a competition, and our focus should be on what's best for our families as a whole... which is, of course, how women think. But for men, it's a different ballgame and I doubt it ever changes.

insomniac ellen said...

Ladies--it's hard-wird into men that they are the provider. The hunter, if you will. we may be in the 21st century, but we still have caveman mentalities.

Men's self-worth seems to be connected to their job, while women's seems to be connected to their families and home. I know it sucks for us gals to have to nurse their egos, but it's really not that bad. I lost my husband almost 4 years ago. A large part of his depression was the loss of his job of 31 years when a new owner took over the magazine he worked for. I did the best I could to help him, but...

mythoughtsonthat said...

My husband has been out of work for 5 months and his self-esteem issues right now? Oh. My. Goodness. The economy sucks right now and there are no jobs out there for him, etc. but....he doesn't care, he thinks he is a loser. A guy thing, for sure. And really difficult to deal with. Peace.