I got a raise.
Okay, I know. I'm not supposed to TELL people when I get a raise. Stupid privacy and crap. Whateves. The majority of people who read this drivel don't know me or where I work or anything. So I'm not terribly concerned.
It wasn't a huge raise, but I don't care. It's a RAISE. I'm LUCKY. People are getting fired all over and the economy is a load of crap. I'm extremely grateful for my job and I'm extremely grateful for what I get paid.
I'm happy. And I tell Jason. And he's happy for me.
And why wouldn't he be? The extra money means something to both of us. To all of us, actually.
But he's quiet for a long time, and hours later he approaches me and apologizes for his salary. Promises me he's going to work hard in his new job and get promoted and things will be more even.
I didn't tell him to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad about himself. I told him that wasn't my intention, that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. He said he didn't mean it that way. I know he's happy for me but I also know it sucks for him. I don't want it to suck for him, but I know it does.
I want to say I don't understand why it's so hard for men to not be the primary breadwinner but the sad fact is, I get this. I get this so bad. I've spent the last year and a half or so being frustrated at having to work so hard and wishing he would do better and not recognizing that he wants more than anything to do better. This sucks just as much for him as it does for me. Maybe more.
I'm learning a lot lately and tonight was a big lesson. It really never occurred to me how difficult this has to be for him too. All I could think about was my lack of sleep and my hours put in at work. How crappy he must have felt, working just as hard as me and not seeing the same results.
I love him for wanting to do more. Wanting to be more.