Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Mornings with the Big Guy.

I? Have totally forgotten how to pray.

Okay, that's not 100% true. Most of my prayers of late have been ranting, shrieky things though. More along the line of, "Oh please God don't let X happen", whatever X may be at that exact moment, rather than the praise and uplifting that I want them to be.

It's not cool. I used to be really good at praying too. Not that I got everything I prayed for. And thank God for that because if I did? I would totally still be married that douchenozzle who donated sperm for me all those years ago. And anyway, praying isn't about getting what you want all the time. It's about praise and forgiveness and worship and probably something else I can't remember right now.

So I decided. On my way to work every morning, I'm going to talk to Jesus.

It's ideal, really. No one is on the road when I'm driving to work and even if they are? It's really dark. I can talk out loud and no one can see me. If anybody DOES see me, I'll look behind me just slightly and they'll think Jesus is in the backseat or something.

I started doing this on Monday. Which is when I discovered that I forgot how to pray. I start out with really good intentions and then I'm all like, "Dear Jesus. How are you? I am fine. Love, Stephanie." And that only works with your grandma when you're five. Not when you are 34 and full of angst and confusion and whatnot.

So I'm trying to break it up. Thankful prayer first. Then needs of others. Then needs of myself. But it's not going well. I just keep saying over and over and over, "I need help. I feel like I'm falling apart. I want to do better. Please help me do better." I feel like I should be getting some sign. Some big cow falling out of the sky or something. Anything.

I don't doubt my prayers are being heard. I know some people don't share my beliefs and that's cool. I have my faith and it's not shaken or stirred, even in the face of some really crappy crap. I have seen, with my very own eyes, what prayer can do. To see miracles, I only have to look in the faces of the Boy and the Girl (and yes, I know all children are miracles. Mine really are like actual medical miracles, so I'm allowed to say that). I know I'm impatient. I know the answer is not always "yes" or "no". That it's sometimes "wait" or "not yet" or even "maybe". I get all that.

I'm working on it. I'm getting back to where I need to be.

So if you are the praying type, can you throw one up for me? If nothing else, can you say a prayer that I will find the patience I need to let things evolve the way they should?

I need all the help I can get.

11 comments:

Sharon said...

I think what counts with prayer is sincerity. God doesn't judge prayer composition. Just tell Him what's on your heart. I'll say a little prayer for you too.

I'm curious, did you ever get your car back?

Meghan Deaver said...

I'm in total agreement with Sharon - it's the thought that counts! God knows you mean it :)

Someone once told me that the best prayers are the ones where you just have a conversation with God. I'm not knocking the basics (I still know all the ones they teach you in CCD by heart) but sometimes the words someone else has written just doesn't cut it. There's nothing wrong with ranting and raving, there are times when that's all you can do; I think He appreciates you're talking to him at all.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels a little rusty when it comes to praying - you've reminded me it's okay if you suck at first, you just have to keep at it!

I'll definitely keep you in my prayers (as lame as they may be, hehe)!

Lil Mouse said...

I prayed for you. It's very hard to be patient, isn't it? I pray for patience every day. And with our stupid housing situation, I have switched to 'however you need it to go Lord, we are with you' when we want to scream GET US OUT OF HERE!.. so, yeah, I get what you're saying. You're a very nice person and it's good to have examples of real, nice, ordinary people that get angry and cuss and are still good Christians, even if you don't like someone you still pray for them, which is in the spirit. I like that and a lot of times you remind me to pray, when I've not, which is cool.

Tarasview said...

your prayers sound a lot like mine these days- good thing God loves us anyway eh? :)
I realize you are busy 5000% of the time but maybe you could find "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence (you may have already read it) on cd or something and you can listen to it on the way to work... I just recently read it and it really helped me. It is not a super easy read but it is good for the soul and incredibly freeing and helped me rethink how and why I pray. If you have never read it you can get a free version here- http://www.practicegodspresence.com/brotherlawrence/ - which you can read in all your free time. snicker.

I've been praying for you whenever I read your blog... I just see a lot of similarities between the way you think (or at least the way you WRITE that you think) and the way I think. And since I need all the prayer I can get I figured I'd throw in some for you as well :)

I think the praying in the car thing is a great idea. I'm sure it will get easier with practice... and who says there is anything wrong with just pouring out your heart in it's current state to God? The psalmists did it all the time ( read psalm 88, it's a doozy! http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+88&version=NIV )

Hugs.

Kris said...

Prayer is absolutely important. To me though, it is what is in your heart that is your actual prayer! Our Lord must appreciate your effort and I think may even chuckle at your struggle..but certainly must smile at your heart's desires, wishes and prayers..

CPA Mom said...

I started a little prayer book - just a spiral notebook where I list who I'm praying for. When I read through it, it helps me remember and be grateful for myself and my blessings too.

Have you heard the song "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers?"

mytohughtsonthat said...

"If nothing else, can you say a prayer that I will find the patience I need to let things evolve the way they should?"- This was the greatest part and, I think, what we all need these days. I KNOW I do. Peace.

Soliloquy said...

The perfect prayer?

"I need help. I feel like I'm falling apart. I want to do better. Please help me do better."

The thing that God loves MOST is a broken, contrite spirit. Just give Him your pieces. He WILL make something beautiful of them.

Praying FOR you, girl.

Lala's world said...

I had to chuckle reading how you are praying right now... I am SO in the same boat! maybe if I scroll through enough people to pray for BEFORE I get to the list of things I want/need/think I need :) then maybe He will answer!!

35 years old and still such a child sometimes! (speaking of myself here)

Lala's world said...

I had to chuckle reading how you are praying right now... I am SO in the same boat! maybe if I scroll through enough people to pray for BEFORE I get to the list of things I want/need/think I need :) then maybe He will answer!!

35 years old and still such a child sometimes! (speaking of myself here)

Chrissy said...

I will remember you in my prayers. :)

But here's a thought for you. Have you considered a prayer journal? Especially given your love of writing, it might be ideal.

I mean, here's the thing. I talked to Jesus all day long. In the car, while I'm cooking, in the shower, you name it. But they're short conversations, quick "thank yous", and the like.

But once a day I sit down with my prayer journal, where I write from my heart. I give thanks, praise Him, and ask for prayer for the things (and people) that are on my heart. Sometimes I even record what bible verses I've read that day (since one of my goals this year is to read the entire bible).

Prayer journaling might work for you!