I? Have totally forgotten how to pray.
Okay, that's not 100% true. Most of my prayers of late have been ranting, shrieky things though. More along the line of, "Oh please God don't let X happen", whatever X may be at that exact moment, rather than the praise and uplifting that I want them to be.
It's not cool. I used to be really good at praying too. Not that I got everything I prayed for. And thank God for that because if I did? I would totally still be married that douchenozzle who donated sperm for me all those years ago. And anyway, praying isn't about getting what you want all the time. It's about praise and forgiveness and worship and probably something else I can't remember right now.
So I decided. On my way to work every morning, I'm going to talk to Jesus.
It's ideal, really. No one is on the road when I'm driving to work and even if they are? It's really dark. I can talk out loud and no one can see me. If anybody DOES see me, I'll look behind me just slightly and they'll think Jesus is in the backseat or something.
I started doing this on Monday. Which is when I discovered that I forgot how to pray. I start out with really good intentions and then I'm all like, "Dear Jesus. How are you? I am fine. Love, Stephanie." And that only works with your grandma when you're five. Not when you are 34 and full of angst and confusion and whatnot.
So I'm trying to break it up. Thankful prayer first. Then needs of others. Then needs of myself. But it's not going well. I just keep saying over and over and over, "I need help. I feel like I'm falling apart. I want to do better. Please help me do better." I feel like I should be getting some sign. Some big cow falling out of the sky or something. Anything.
I don't doubt my prayers are being heard. I know some people don't share my beliefs and that's cool. I have my faith and it's not shaken or stirred, even in the face of some really crappy crap. I have seen, with my very own eyes, what prayer can do. To see miracles, I only have to look in the faces of the Boy and the Girl (and yes, I know all children are miracles. Mine really are like actual medical miracles, so I'm allowed to say that). I know I'm impatient. I know the answer is not always "yes" or "no". That it's sometimes "wait" or "not yet" or even "maybe". I get all that.
I'm working on it. I'm getting back to where I need to be.
So if you are the praying type, can you throw one up for me? If nothing else, can you say a prayer that I will find the patience I need to let things evolve the way they should?
I need all the help I can get.