Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Petty and Evil. I am, I am.

I've been so busy lately it's kind of ridiculous. Someone said to me, "I didn't know about XYZ! That wasn't on your blog!" and I was thinking, "Dude. You can't seriously think that what I put on this blog is my entire life, can you?" Because crap happens ALL. THE. TIME. I just don't always write about it, for a lot of different reasons. Not the least of them being that when I tried to write about different writing things I had going on before? I lost a LOT of readers. So why bother?

But anyway. Stuff is going on. But not enough stuff to prevent me from engaging in some ridiculously petty Facebook activity.

Okay, so here's the back story:

When I was in high school, thousands of years ago, I had a crush on a boy we'll call Anus. Oh, Anus was cute. He was so cute. I didn't really know anything about him except that he was really, really cute! And frankly? I didn't really care about anything except the fact that he was really cute. Now, he wasn't the cutest boy I had ever seen and certainly not the football star or one of the popular boys. But he was cute and that was enough for me. Because I was fourteen and the vast majority of fourteen year olds, myself included, are complete idiots.

Because I was such a complete idiot, and also actually very shy (don't laugh), I had my friend B talk to Anus and see if he would go out with me. They had English together and I was in a different class, you see. And B wasn't afraid to talk to cute boys. She did it all the time.

That day when the bell rang and all the freshpeople streamed out into the halls, Anus approached me by my locker.

"Are you Stephanie?" he asked.

My heart...oh y'all. It was pounding SO HARD.

"Yes," I whispered.

"I'll go out with you," he said.

I nearly swallowed my tongue. For reals. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. I just stood there, staring at him. My eyes were glued to him. It was...

"I'll go out with you," he said again, loudly, "when you lose about A HUNDRED POUNDS."

The redneck boy who had the locker next to mine burst into hysterical laughter. Anus walked away, smirking to himself and I turned back to my locker, silently put my books on the little metal shelf and willed the floor to open up and swallow me whole because I seriously felt like I was going to die from shame.

The thing about it is, I really wasn't fat. Not then. I was a size then that I would kill to be now. And that boy, along with another boy that was my boyfriend the next year who dumped me for a really pretty skinny blond girl, led me down the really dangerous path of eating disorders. I started my junior year of high school the thinnest I've ever been in my life and frankly? I was all hair and boobs. It was insane.

But life when on, you know? And when we were Seniors I had to sit next to Anus in not one but two classes. I wasn't rude or unpleasant to him, but I wasn't friendly either (I'm Southern...that's about as mean as I could be at the time). He started dating this freshperson, a really skinny, blond freshperson who couldn't do math in her head. Not that I could either. But still.

We graduated. I really didn't give Anus much of a second thought until I saw an announcement in our hometown newspaper that he had married a really skinny, pretty girl and they lived in another state. She was pretty. I mean, really, really pretty. And about as big around as my right thigh.

That was pretty much the last I thought about Anus, even after I got my 10 year reunion booklet a few years ago and cried for several days about what a worthless loser I was compared to a number of my classmates who were curing diseases in foreign countries and whatnot. (Jason encouraged me, several times, to throw the book away and I think I eventually did) I don't even remember what his entry in the book said to be totally honest.

But then? The Facebook.

My school had about 1200 kids total, give or take, so I was going to have mutual friends with Anus. That's just how it is. And do you know, that on Facebook you can sometimes, if people don't have their profiles set a certain way, click on mutual friends profiles and see their pictures and sometimes their wall?

So I looked. I won't lie. I looked at Anus' pictures.

And y'all?

You could run laps around Anus.

I don't say that lightly. I'm someone who struggles with her weight and losing it and so on and I'm really never, ever, EVER mean to someone about their weight. I know how it feels. But I'm not kidding that I literally did a double take when I saw a picture of Anus because he looks like he ate the kid I knew in high school.

Also? You guys know I love the baldies, but Anus? Is bald in a VERY UNATTRACTIVE WAY. Like he's trying to fight it off SO BAD and LOSING kind of way.

So I giggled.

I know how mean that is. Me and God and Jesus are tight and stuff, and they are probably very disappointed in me, but I giggled. I giggled SO BAD.

Then? I clicked on Anus' really beautiful wife's profile. Because I'm going to Hell anyway, right? Might as well.

And y'all? Seriously. SERIOUSLY. She looks totally, completely, 100% different than the really skinny, pretty woman in the wedding photo. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one.

Also? Her wall posts use absolutely no punctuation. Not that I use punctuation correctly, but by God I use it. A lot of it.

Okay and I laughed. I did. I'll admit it. I'll admit my petty, evil nature. I'll admit that I thought it was freaking hilarious that someone who was SO MEAN to me when I was just a kid grew up to be exactly what he was being a dick to me about. I laughed and then I laughed and then I laughed some more.

And you know what else? I'm way prettier than his wife. WAY.

So I'm not out curing diseases or saving animals or in any way making the world a better place. I'm being petty and judgemental and evil. In case you were wondering.


Soliloquy said...


I don't think it's evil OR petty to find satisfaction in someone else proving they are.

People suck sometimes.

Leandra said...

Eh, I think evil's a pretty strong word. You're human. And I totally would have laughed too! That Karma, she's a bitch, ain't she?

Danielle said...

LOVE this post!!! Love it!

Unknown said...

High school was awful. Just AWFUL. I always thought we were all so divided over money. You were either rich like "they" were or you weren't. Race and the size of your butt played into it as well but not as much as the money. Like it was THEIR money. ARG!

I did try to take the high road when our 20th came around last fall. The lady who (is awesome and was nice to me in HS) headed up everything got us all "connected" on FB. I lasted all of 90 minutes at the reunion. That I paid $100 to attend.

Sometimes I wonder why I even added those jerks to my friends list. Oh wait...I know why, because I can scoff at their bad grammar and punctuation! LOL

I admit that I do enjoy seeing those grown up versions of the smarmy-assed teenager know it all and have it alls FAIL AT LIFE. I realize it's harsh, it's supposed to be. I've had to duct tape my fingers and tie myself down a few times when they post statuses like "If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?"

I just pray that they realize what sucky adults they are now, what asses they were then and try to educate their children about so they don't grow up to be asses like their parents. (Sheesh, ramble much? LOL)

I'm Southern too, so I reckon I should end my rant with BLESS THEIR HEARTS!!

insomniac ellen said...

you're not evil--just totally normal.

we've ALL done it.

you're also hilariously funny and real. Loved this post.

and anus got the wife/life he deserves.

Steph said...

I seriously love all you guys. For reals.

marythemom said...

Went to my 20 year high school reunion. Felt totally fat. Squeezed myself into clothes I thought made me look good. Ran into the boy who left me at prom to ride around in the limo. He remembered it the other way around - that I dumped him.

No one else remembered me (all my friends were younger). I looked 10 years younger than everyone else. Waste of time and anxiety.

Honey, you're a good person. I find your blog entertaining because you're human like the rest of us, but you tell us about it in a way that makes me laugh. Keep thinking WWJD, but don't beat yourself up.

The anorexic girl that still couldn't get a date

Highschool sucks!

Anonymous said...

Yeah. You're evil. Petty. Petty and evil. You shall be going to Hell.

Please be sure to save me a seat.

Dude. WTF? So NOT petty and evil. Anus was a complete jackass and Karma...well, she's a bitch.

My FB page has me listed with my married name only. I'm sure if I had my maiden name on there, an asston of people from high school would fine me. But, that's exactly why I didn't put it up there--I couldn't stand 3/4 of them back in the day...I'm willing to bet I'd want to spleen punch them all today, too.


Sincerely Iowa said...

Isn't that what Facebook is for? To stalk people from your past without them knowing?

Sheesh! That's what I use it for!

Hilarious post!

Suzy Voices said...

Glad I'm not the only one that does this!!

And I totally agree with Kellie, Karma is a bitch! Take THAT, Anus!!

Aunt Crazy said...

High school sucks rocks big time for most kids. I hated it! I too thought that the point of FB was so that we could cyber stalk people that made us miserable back then...LOL

Tarasview said...

High school was an absolute complete nightmare for me... I try not to think about it if I can help it. I was the skinniest I have ever been and when I look at pictures I can see clearly that I was NOT fat. But wow... when I was 14 I thought I was huge. And people were jerks... to everyone I'm sure, not just me. But still.

I am now facebook "friends" with several of those same people... and it has been healing in a way... but I really had to make a conscious decision (because God made me) to forgive them for how hideous they were to me. WOW is that ever hard work.

But there is nothing wrong with giggling at how God evens the playing field once in awhile. :)

Michelle said...

I love how you say what everyone else is thinking!

sara said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile but never commented. You are not even a little bit evil, just very normal. When I was in middle school I had a science partner who was a bit large (I wasn't tiny but not huge) and I remember one of the popular boys telling me that my partner and I should date because we were both fat. So began my lifetime struggle with weight- up to that point I had never even thought about weight. I wish the boy that said that to me was fat now, but he's not. I'm sure karma got him in another way.

Allie said...

Sweetie, I think getting satisfaction out of a douche hole getting fat that once called you fat is not evil, it's human. I don't know a single person that wouldn't enjoy that, that's is what facebook is all about. Ha ha ha!

Jenski said...

This is one of the good and dangerous things about FB. Some of those skinny pretty people are still just that; others, not so much!

You deserved a good laugh after what a horrible thing he said to you. And now you can move on again!

Intelligent Tool said...

Best thing I've read alllll day, no joke. Love it! I do the same thing. I am a total facebook stalker. & Screw Anus and his fugly wife(not literally, though. Ew.)...

Unknown said...

Oh sweet, sweet irony.

diane rene said...

thank you for having the nerve to post this.
thank you for being honest.
and thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one who does this ... and by "does this" I mean all of it ... the secret FB stalking, the uncontrollable joy from seeing karma leave her mark ... ALL of it.
I often feel guilty when I get that first thought of "good, he got what he deserved", but now I don't feel so alone. I have one friend that I can share that stuff with, but I always felt kind of alone in it til now.
and I am coming to learn that it is NOT evil and petty unless you choose to base all your good feelings on it. you cannot control your first thoughts, but you can enjoy them while they last ;0)

CPA Mom said...

I love that you call him "anus." ROFLMAO. And it's just human nature to want to see someone finally get what is coming to them. I know someone who did the same to me, divorced his wife for being too fat and married someone that ended up the same weight.

Jill said...

See now this is why I love you, in a non stalky, totally cool and not gross sort of way. Because you may it be okay to not be perfect.

And when I wanted to laugh my butt off at the 22 year old who was trying to teach me about 'respect' all the while he was vandalizing my door, I allowed myself a break and told myself, he's just stupid, maybe someday he will learn and let it go.

Thanks for being a bright spot in my day. Seriously.

freckletree said...

fuck it. you are curing you're own diseases. it's called high school hate-- meaning the 'you' that you hated in high school. at some point we accept that that embarrassing person is also, um, US.

so there you go, keep saving the world that matters most in your life.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Girlfriend? I'm not curing disease, either. But I'm definitely giggling right there with you! :)

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this post! It's my first visit, but it's been great. You're hysterical. I'll be back for sure. Sometimes Facebook is great.


Anonymous said...

OK-no guys posted-so this is creepy. Most high school kids (and still a few adults) need to validate worth with arm candy. Quite a few of these arm candy types are pretty 'til the mouth opens.Pretty features attract the attention-soul keeps the interest.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

LMAO. That's not petty or evil. That's what social networking sites are for. Did I ever tell you that one of my exes, the one who had the small wang and was SO damn mean to me, has a bunch of trannies for myspace friends? Not that there's anything wrong with being a transvestite, but dude, no wonder I didn't do it for him. I don't have the requisite parts!

Anonymous said...

I love your petty, evil ass. This was a great post. We would have so have been friends in high school, size be damned! and I wanna know his name so I can go look at his picture, too! I'm going to facebook now to try and figure out who he is!!

Christina Berry said...

What a butt. I'm glad he's ugly and bald now. Karma is quite a vindictive little b***h, isn't she?

One of the things I love about my husband is that early on, he told our son to be careful of judging his female high school classmates too harshly. His dad told him that many an unattractive girl in high school will grow up to be a beautiful woman, inside and out.

I'll bet Anus realizes that now. And right about now he's probably wishing you would go out with him.

She who laughs last, laughs best.

Empesschrys said...

Oh sweety, this post is hands down my favorite. I giggled so hard hard right along with you because I have an "Anus" in my history as well. He is NOT among my FB friends but plenty of his friends are and I got to see the juiced up, little twerp he has become and it caused a smile as wide as the Mississippi to stay on my face all day.

If you are going to hell for your petty evilness then I will put you on my VIP list. I have a party room reserved. ;-)

mythoughtsonthat said...

And what's wrong with petty and evil, I ask you?


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