I've been so busy lately it's kind of ridiculous. Someone said to me, "I didn't know about XYZ! That wasn't on your blog!" and I was thinking, "Dude. You can't seriously think that what I put on this blog is my entire life, can you?" Because crap happens ALL. THE. TIME. I just don't always write about it, for a lot of different reasons. Not the least of them being that when I tried to write about different writing things I had going on before? I lost a LOT of readers. So why bother?
But anyway. Stuff is going on. But not enough stuff to prevent me from engaging in some ridiculously petty Facebook activity.
Okay, so here's the back story:
When I was in high school, thousands of years ago, I had a crush on a boy we'll call Anus. Oh, Anus was cute. He was so cute. I didn't really know anything about him except that he was really, really cute! And frankly? I didn't really care about anything except the fact that he was really cute. Now, he wasn't the cutest boy I had ever seen and certainly not the football star or one of the popular boys. But he was cute and that was enough for me. Because I was fourteen and the vast majority of fourteen year olds, myself included, are complete idiots.
Because I was such a complete idiot, and also actually very shy (don't laugh), I had my friend B talk to Anus and see if he would go out with me. They had English together and I was in a different class, you see. And B wasn't afraid to talk to cute boys. She did it all the time.
That day when the bell rang and all the freshpeople streamed out into the halls, Anus approached me by my locker.
"Are you Stephanie?" he asked.
My heart...oh y'all. It was pounding SO HARD.
"Yes," I whispered.
"I'll go out with you," he said.
I nearly swallowed my tongue. For reals. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. I just stood there, staring at him. My eyes were glued to him. It was...
"I'll go out with you," he said again, loudly, "when you lose about A HUNDRED POUNDS."
The redneck boy who had the locker next to mine burst into hysterical laughter. Anus walked away, smirking to himself and I turned back to my locker, silently put my books on the little metal shelf and willed the floor to open up and swallow me whole because I seriously felt like I was going to die from shame.
The thing about it is, I really wasn't fat. Not then. I was a size then that I would kill to be now. And that boy, along with another boy that was my boyfriend the next year who dumped me for a really pretty skinny blond girl, led me down the really dangerous path of eating disorders. I started my junior year of high school the thinnest I've ever been in my life and frankly? I was all hair and boobs. It was insane.
But life when on, you know? And when we were Seniors I had to sit next to Anus in not one but two classes. I wasn't rude or unpleasant to him, but I wasn't friendly either (I'm Southern...that's about as mean as I could be at the time). He started dating this freshperson, a really skinny, blond freshperson who couldn't do math in her head. Not that I could either. But still.
We graduated. I really didn't give Anus much of a second thought until I saw an announcement in our hometown newspaper that he had married a really skinny, pretty girl and they lived in another state. She was pretty. I mean, really, really pretty. And about as big around as my right thigh.
That was pretty much the last I thought about Anus, even after I got my 10 year reunion booklet a few years ago and cried for several days about what a worthless loser I was compared to a number of my classmates who were curing diseases in foreign countries and whatnot. (Jason encouraged me, several times, to throw the book away and I think I eventually did) I don't even remember what his entry in the book said to be totally honest.
But then? The Facebook.
My school had about 1200 kids total, give or take, so I was going to have mutual friends with Anus. That's just how it is. And do you know, that on Facebook you can sometimes, if people don't have their profiles set a certain way, click on mutual friends profiles and see their pictures and sometimes their wall?
So I looked. I won't lie. I looked at Anus' pictures.
You could run laps around Anus.
I don't say that lightly. I'm someone who struggles with her weight and losing it and so on and I'm really never, ever, EVER mean to someone about their weight. I know how it feels. But I'm not kidding that I literally did a double take when I saw a picture of Anus because he looks like he ate the kid I knew in high school.
Also? You guys know I love the baldies, but Anus? Is bald in a VERY UNATTRACTIVE WAY. Like he's trying to fight it off SO BAD and LOSING kind of way.
So I giggled.
I know how mean that is. Me and God and Jesus are tight and stuff, and they are probably very disappointed in me, but I giggled. I giggled SO BAD.
Then? I clicked on Anus' really beautiful wife's profile. Because I'm going to Hell anyway, right? Might as well.
And y'all? Seriously. SERIOUSLY. She looks totally, completely, 100% different than the really skinny, pretty woman in the wedding photo. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one.
Also? Her wall posts use absolutely no punctuation. Not that I use punctuation correctly, but by God I use it. A lot of it.
Okay and I laughed. I did. I'll admit it. I'll admit my petty, evil nature. I'll admit that I thought it was freaking hilarious that someone who was SO MEAN to me when I was just a kid grew up to be exactly what he was being a dick to me about. I laughed and then I laughed and then I laughed some more.
And you know what else? I'm way prettier than his wife. WAY.
So I'm not out curing diseases or saving animals or in any way making the world a better place. I'm being petty and judgemental and evil. In case you were wondering.