-I used to think the glass ceiling no longer existed. That if I worked really, really hard my lack of a penis would not impede me in my life goals.
Now I think: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
-I used to think that no matter what happened in this world, your family always has your back.
Now I think: Not necessarily. And sometimes? Your family can be the ones who put the knives there.
-I used to think that Bob and Jillian were totally right. It's just calories in/calories out. It's not that hard. It's not rocket science. It's totally going to work.
Now I think: Bob and Jillian can bite the fattest part of my considerable arse. Also? Pretty sure Bob has never had a period and it's associated bloating.
-I used to think every time I made a mistake it was the worst possible mistake I could have made.
Now I think: Oh. Sister. You haven't even started messing stuff up yet.
-I used to think that my destiny was something very quiet. A support role, where I could be good but not necessarily anyone's definition of success. That I could never make enough money to support myself and my family and I could never, ever do things like write books and speak in front of large groups of people.
Now I think: Good thing I never listen to anyone...especially myself.
-I used to think it was not humanly possible for my children to be any funnier.
Now I think: My son used the words "butt pipe" conversationally last night. Touche.