Dear Sanctimonious Prick,
You know, generally? When someone says to me "I'm going to pray for you"? I'm all about that. Because really, how could it hurt for someone to pray for you? I just kind of figure I can use all the prayers I can get.
But when you said that to me? You're pretty lucky I didn't kick you squah in your nutsack.
First of all, you don't know anything. I don't tell you anything and unless it comes directly from my mouth, then you ought not believe it. Because, quite frankly, a lot of the people we both know tell a lot of lies. To everyone and for a myriad of reasons, none of which I can explain. But they lie.
Second, the last time I was in the same place as you I heard that remark you made about the fact that I'm "on my second marriage". Like I'm racking the damn things up like cue balls or something.
I'm really pleased for you that you've been married to the same person for twelve or fourteen years or however long it's been. That's utterly lovely for you. But the fact is, sweetness, the reason you are still married to the same person? Is that NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE EITHER ONE OF YOU. YOU ARE BOTH TOOLS.
Maybe you should work on yourself before you start worrying about me. Oh and pay your own bills instead of getting your parents to do it. Your WIFE told me that. Of course, she might be a liar too...you do tend to hang with those types of people.
Dear Evil Butt-Bonnet,
I received your letter with the generous offer for your "continued prayers". It was at that time that I realized what is going wrong in my life these days. When Satan's Wife is praying for you? I'm pretty sure she's not praying to the right person.
Listen, we both know you hate me. It's obvious to everyone, everywhere. You aren't fooling anyone. You hate me and you've hated me since the day we met. You have done everything in your power to make my life miserable.
I'm not miserable.
Saying "I'm going to pray for you" and then praying for someones downfall? Is a big no-no where Jesus is concerned. He smites people for that crap. For serious.
Here's a plan. How about you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone too? That seems to work best for us.
PS: Kiss the fattest part of my ass. Okay? Thanks!
Your uppance? Will come.
Dear Everyone Else,
No, just kidding.