Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Open Letters: Sanctimonious Prick Edition.

Dear Sanctimonious Prick,

You know, generally? When someone says to me "I'm going to pray for you"? I'm all about that. Because really, how could it hurt for someone to pray for you? I just kind of figure I can use all the prayers I can get.

But when you said that to me? You're pretty lucky I didn't kick you squah in your nutsack.

First of all, you don't know anything. I don't tell you anything and unless it comes directly from my mouth, then you ought not believe it. Because, quite frankly, a lot of the people we both know tell a lot of lies. To everyone and for a myriad of reasons, none of which I can explain. But they lie.

Second, the last time I was in the same place as you I heard that remark you made about the fact that I'm "on my second marriage". Like I'm racking the damn things up like cue balls or something.

I'm really pleased for you that you've been married to the same person for twelve or fourteen years or however long it's been. That's utterly lovely for you. But the fact is, sweetness, the reason you are still married to the same person? Is that NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE EITHER ONE OF YOU. YOU ARE BOTH TOOLS.

Maybe you should work on yourself before you start worrying about me. Oh and pay your own bills instead of getting your parents to do it. Your WIFE told me that. Of course, she might be a liar do tend to hang with those types of people.


Dear Evil Butt-Bonnet,

I received your letter with the generous offer for your "continued prayers". It was at that time that I realized what is going wrong in my life these days. When Satan's Wife is praying for you? I'm pretty sure she's not praying to the right person.

Listen, we both know you hate me. It's obvious to everyone, everywhere. You aren't fooling anyone. You hate me and you've hated me since the day we met. You have done everything in your power to make my life miserable.

I'm not miserable.

Saying "I'm going to pray for you" and then praying for someones downfall? Is a big no-no where Jesus is concerned. He smites people for that crap. For serious.

Here's a plan. How about you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone too? That seems to work best for us.


PS: Kiss the fattest part of my ass. Okay? Thanks!

Dear "Friend",

Your uppance? Will come.


Dear Everyone Else,

Watch it.

No, just kidding.



Christina Berry said...

Wow! I love the first letter. Perfect!

All this reminds me of that new country song that's out. I don't know the name of it, but you've probably heard it. It's about a guy who's going to pray for his ex-girlfriend, but what he prays for is her downfall. The song is just tacky.

Jessa said...

My most hated phrase in the world: "I'll pray for you." One, because I'm atheist and my friends know it and two because I don't think most people who actually say it, do it. But your letters? Perfect. If I ever need to send an anonymous letter can I hire you?


Well, I was gonna say, "Just let it go."

But I realize that sometimes? One needs to get out there. Testify and all that. Go for it.

Then? Let it go. Life is short. Too short to worry over assholes.

I have been there and done that. I am not just sayin'.

LzyMom said...


You are so awesome.

Seriously. :)

And I'm sorry but I've stolen your phrase "kiss the fattest part of my ass". On me, though, it's a tricky call on which part is actually the fattest. I guess I could point.

Ms. Maggie said...

oh. my. gosh. Do not even get me started on this one. I agree with Jessa in that I am if not athiest, agnostic at best and I think it is ALWAYS sanctimonious to tell people that who aren't asking for your prayer. It is just so judgey (for lack of a better word) and condescending. And I, too, seriously doubt they actually do it, it is just something people say when they don't know what to say. Like a reflex.

Danielle said...

Here's what I don't get - how could someone NOT like you? I've never met you & WISH we were pals that could hang out together! Some people are indeed tools.

Little Red Hen said...

I love you so BAD!!

On the subject of saying, “I’ll pray for you:” I always hated that phrase when I wasn’t a Christian. Now that I am one? Still hate it (I guess I should say I “don’t care for it,” since hating is a no-no). Any true Christian should know how that comes across, and how wrong it is to SAY to someone who hasn’t asked for it. By all means, pray for anyone and everyone you feel the need to! I’m a big fan of the power of prayer! But don’t TELL people you are going to pray for them. It just sounds like you want to look like a good Christian, so you say it so people will think you are…but, you probably aren’t, and (like others have said) you probably won’t follow through.

But, I still love you so bad!

Squishybluefrog said...

I love reading your blog, you can make me laugh. When I read this post I immediately thought of the country song "i'll pray for you" by Jaron and the Long Road to Love. It's a great song, even if country isn't your fav. Here's the lyrics:

I havent been to church since I don’t remember when
Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know whereever you are honey, I pray for you

I’m really glad I found my way to church
‘Cause I’m already feelin’ better and I thank God for the words
Yeah I’m goin’ take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin’ up and I’ll keep prayin’ for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know whereever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
I pray for you

Anonymous said...

If you are open to having a guest blog poster please reply and let me know. I will provide you with unique content for your blog, thanks.

Anonymous said...

Ңello! I'vе been reading your site for a while now and finally got tҺe bravery to go
ahead and give ƴou a shout οut from Dallas Tx!
Just wanteԁ to mention keep up the eҳcellent job!

my blog post Maillot Equipe de France