I'm working on my stupid bastard New Year's Goals and I'll tell you all about them soon (I'm sure all four of you are waiting with baited breath), but one of them keeps kicking me in my guts so I think I'll talk a little about it today.
I need to right a wrong, I suppose. I need to fix something that's broken. The problem is, I have no idea how it got so off track because it's so far off the track I can't even see the train. As an added bonus, I have no idea what I did to make this situation so bad.
Okay, I have some idea. I'm kind of ridiculous. I've been jealous when there was no need for jealousy. I obsess over things like Diet Pepsi and Kroger. I absolutely, literally cannot say the word "pashmina" without bending at the knees. I didn't even know that about myself until yesterday and I don't even know why I do it.
I've been needy. I want what people aren't able to give me sometimes.
I was looking to fill a void in my life and wanted, so badly wanted, someone to fill that void that I didn't recognize at all that she either didn't want to or couldn't be that person for me.
I recognize my blame in this situation, I really do. I think the whole thing was handled horribly, frankly, but I can accept my role.
The thing is...it was a long time ago. I'm not twenty-four anymore. I'm not even twenty-seven anymore. I'm smack-dab in the middle of my thirties and *gasp* I think I've grown up. Some. Not a lot. But some.
So I'm ready to make a new start.
The thing is? I have no idea how to accomplish this. I don't know if I should make a phone call, write a letter, just act like nothing ever happened, say I'm sorry or any combination of all of those things. I just don't know.
What I do know is that, for my own sanity, I would like to be able to say I tried. I would like to be able to say, "I did everything I could". I would like to say I'm sorry for my failings.
I just don't know how.