Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It only takes a little, to heal a wounded soul.

I'm working on my stupid bastard New Year's Goals and I'll tell you all about them soon (I'm sure all four of you are waiting with baited breath), but one of them keeps kicking me in my guts so I think I'll talk a little about it today.

I need to right a wrong, I suppose. I need to fix something that's broken. The problem is, I have no idea how it got so off track because it's so far off the track I can't even see the train. As an added bonus, I have no idea what I did to make this situation so bad.

Okay, I have some idea. I'm kind of ridiculous. I've been jealous when there was no need for jealousy. I obsess over things like Diet Pepsi and Kroger. I absolutely, literally cannot say the word "pashmina" without bending at the knees. I didn't even know that about myself until yesterday and I don't even know why I do it.

I've been needy. I want what people aren't able to give me sometimes.

I was looking to fill a void in my life and wanted, so badly wanted, someone to fill that void that I didn't recognize at all that she either didn't want to or couldn't be that person for me.

I recognize my blame in this situation, I really do. I think the whole thing was handled horribly, frankly, but I can accept my role.

The thing is...it was a long time ago. I'm not twenty-four anymore. I'm not even twenty-seven anymore. I'm smack-dab in the middle of my thirties and *gasp* I think I've grown up. Some. Not a lot. But some.

So I'm ready to make a new start.

The thing is? I have no idea how to accomplish this. I don't know if I should make a phone call, write a letter, just act like nothing ever happened, say I'm sorry or any combination of all of those things. I just don't know.

What I do know is that, for my own sanity, I would like to be able to say I tried. I would like to be able to say, "I did everything I could". I would like to say I'm sorry for my failings.

I just don't know how.

11 comments:

C. Todd Dolen, DVM said...

Make the call. If it fails, you tried. If it succeeds, your life will be better for it. If it's big enough to burden you, it's big enough to address. Good luck.

Bethany said...

I find that a letter is usually the best for this type of situation. A letter gives you time to make sure everything is just the way you want it to be and says everything you want it to say. Invariably if I talk to someone an hour after the conversation is over I'm saying, "Damn, I wish I had said that." or "Ugh, I could have said that better." or "Oh fuck me, I screwed that up royally." So, yeah, I vote letter.

Space Lady said...

I have the same concern nagging at me and would like to think I have a fool proof solution, because I do want to get back on track.

But, really, what can I do, except apologize for anything I said or did that was offensive and do my best not repeat what I did wrong.

Karin's Korner said...

Just say "I'm sorry", Either the person will accept it or reject it. I had to do this a while back and although my "I'm sorry" was rejected, I forgave and said I was sorry. This was not making me the bigger person but just knowing that the past was the past, I forgave, did what I could, said I was sorry and now I am free :) By the way....I am one of the "four" waiting with baited breath....lol!!

frannie said...

This made me sad. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I hope that whatever happens, it works itself out and that there aren't any more hurt feelings.

Janelle said...

I think an email or letter is the best way to get out all the sorry's and words that you want to express to them. That way, they won't feel pressure of responding a certain way and they can digest it and then hopefully respond to you.

Janelle said...

I think an email or letter is the best way to get out all the sorry's and words that you want to express to them. That way, they won't feel pressure of responding a certain way and they can digest it and then hopefully respond to you.

Cristin said...

send her a copy of this post.

val said...

Send her the link to this.

We're all human.

love, Val

Twisted Cinderella said...

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope you are able to bear your soul and ease both of your burdens. ((hugs))

In the meantime, I hope you had a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Years! Here's to a fabulous new year!

Sheila Deeth said...

Just say it--that bit you control. How it's taken is out of your control so try not to fret. You do your best, and your best keeps getting better.