Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Facebook Story

So I get a lot of friend requests on The Facebook from people I don't know in person. And that's okay, you know? I figure they've either read my blog and like it or they read my book and liked it (or hated it and want to flame me) or maybe I just don't remember them even though we made out once because my memory is like twelve kinds of terrible. Whatever.

Quite honestly, I'm more prone to immediately accept friend requests from females. I know that's pretty crappy of me, but it's true. If I get a request from a male I don't know I usually check out as much of their page as I can before I make my decision. For example, I recently got a friend request from a guy who lives in my area who had no profile picture, listed his relationship status as "It's complicated" and had nothing but chubby female friends on his friends list. That sounds like the beginning of a really bad porno to me and I'm just not going to get involved.

I don't typically befriend my co-workers on The Facebook either, except for those that I know well and work closely with. There are a lot of people that I work with indirectly. I only like a few of them and I find most of the rest of them extraordinarily fake and obnoxious. Plus, I doubt they want to read about me saying douchebag and peen and whatnot all the time. And I totally say those things all the time.

Nevertheless, I was happy the other day when I got a friend request from someone I quasi-work with and really, really like. Even happier because I really don't think this person likes me as much as I like them.

Does that sound weird? I don't mean for it to sound weird. It's just...well, I think this person is cool and funny and nice and I think he thinks I'm a a huge freak. Which I totally am, but I don't want him to think that. The marked lack of cool, funny and nice people that I quasi-work with make me want to be friends with this person. Because I'm funny and nice and not even a little bit cool, but I do "dorktacular" pretty well. I own it.

But anyway. I was happy. I accepted the friend request and sent him a private message. Something about how I was happy he had friended me and how surprised I was that he was on Facebook, since he's so private. That I had looked for him before but I wasn't sure which one of the several people with that name were him and how he really needs to upload a profile picture. And YAY! YOU LIKE ME! YOU DON'T THINK I'M A HUGE FREAK! WOO-HOO!

Okay I totally didn't say the last part. But I thought it.

A few hours later, I saw that he had sent me a message. Yay!

It was short, just one line.

"Hey check out this picture I took this weekend!" With a link.

Which I clicked. Because, clearly, I'm a huge dumbass.

Because the picture, of course, was a HUGE WANG.

Quite honestly, I think I stared at the huge wang for about thirty seconds because 1) I was horrifed and 2) I just couldn't believe that this friend of mine would send me a picture of his wang and 3) My friend has this HUGE WANG AND SHOWED IT TO ME OH MY GOD and 4) I obviously did not yet grasp that this was a spammer and NOT MY FRIEND.

So I unfriended. WITH QUICKNESS.

I seriously want to send this to my quasi-work friend and tell him that if it really was him I'm both impressed and ridiculously horrified and even if it wasn't him I would never, ever, EVER be able to look at him in the eye again. But somehow, I doubt this story will make him want to be my bff.


Tarasview said...

bwahahahaha! Merry Christmas to you!

tiffany said...

Thank You for approving me :) I happen to love your blog and book :)
and WOW about the peen pic....cna you report that to facebook....if indeed it was a spammer? and good luck looking him in the eye at work!

Karen said...

OMG!!! Too funny,

Kay Seaton said...

That is hilarious....but scary too. You have such a way with words. Love reading your blogs.

diane rene said...


while I am not proud of my over excitement at some of the friend requests I have received, I am so glad that I am not the only one!

I had a friend request from a guy I knew in HS and absolutely adored. MAJOR crush, day dreams, the whole gig. well he friend requested me on FB and I was giddy!! til I saw his face 800 times a day with his play by play status updates - UGH! cute boy from HS was still cute boy with HS mentality and no life :(

Nicole said...

Ugh, too creepy! How disappointing to be lured into a false sense of friendship, only to find out he's either disgusting or it wasn't him at all.

I have a similar hesitancy when it comes to men. For me, I definitely think it has to do with my weight. Which I know is a hangup I have to get over if I want to find love, but I'm not sure how! I expect most men to be turned off by my appearance, and I have hardened myself to that. But when a man I don't know very well does compliment my appearance, or show any interest in me whatsoever, I automatically think:

a) He's just being nice and isn't actually interested in me at all, or

b) He's a user and is assuming I'm desperate and will be an easy target, or

c) He's a creep, rapist, murderer or abuser.

All around me I see women my size with kind, wonderful men who truly appreciate them for who they are, but I have no idea how to go about finding them. Is there a special section of them hidden away somewhere, the way plus-size clothes are always tucked away at the back of the store?

Nacho Lover said...

ha! some people express love and friendship in different ways... :)

but really, i bet it was spam. i had a ton of spam messages about 'my naked ass in a video.' from former students no less! ewww.

you should send him another message and politely/hilariously ask him if that was really from him. and/or if he does indeed have a huge wang. heee.

Leese said...

I would SO tell him!! For me, it would be a GREAT ice breaker but then I'm a little left of center so ..

LzyMom said...

I'm dying!