Monday, September 26, 2011

Renovation, all I ever wanted...

So I read once that something like ten percent of failed marriages are due to a home renovation project. I thought that was really ridiculous.

The actual number should probably be something like 90%. Or maybe more.

Because this weekend? Well, it went something like this:

Stephanie: Jason, I've decided I'm going to write a musical.

Jason: Excuse me?

Stephanie: A musical! I've always loved musical theater, right? So I'll call it: Stephanie Snowe: THE MUSICAL! I'll write all the original songs for it of course. But I'm having a really hard time in my head because I swear I just can't think of anything that rhymes with the words "bag", "hat" or "hole".

Jason: Stephanie. I'm trying to re seat a toilet right now. Can this wait?

Stephanie: Well. You just aren't any fun at all.

And also?

Stephanie: Now Jason, the paper says not to twist the screws from inside the tank. That's what the paper says. And you have to be really careful because it can crack really easily.

Jason: Okay.

Stephanie: I'll hold it there, okay? But don't twist it from the inside. You have to twist it from the bottom. And you have to twist it really carefully, because you don't want it to crack.

Jason: *silently working*

Stephanie: Are you twisting it too hard? Because I really don't want it to crack.

Jason: It's fine.

Stephanie: Okay. And the next step is...wait. What was that? Did you twist it too hard?

Jason: No. It's fine.

Stephanie: Okay. Because I really don't want you to twist it too hard.

Jason: Will it crack, Stephanie? Will it crack if I twist it too hard?

Stephanie: *silent death glare*

And, while at Wal-Mart at 10:45pm on my cell phone and literally crying:

Stephanie: Jason, they don't have the water-supply hook-up tube.

Jason: Oh no. Are you sure?

Stephanie: Yes, I'm sure. I'm standing right in front of the display. They have every other water-supply hook-up tube for every other possible appliance known to man, but not one for the toilet.

Jason: Can you ask someone?

Stephanie: Who do you suggest I ask, Jason? It's almost 11pm. The "associate" assigned to this department is busy with an obese goth girl who is literally trying to suck the fillings out of his face right now. Getting assistance isn't that easy. This isn't Chick-fil-A where it's a pleasure to serve you. This is Wal-Mart where they hate you and want you dead and do not hesitate to tell you as much.

Jason: Do they still have those phones?

Stephanie: What the crap are you talking about?

Jason: Those phones. It's like customer service phones? You pick up the phone and the customer service person for that department will answer your questions.

Stephanie: Jason. Can I buy some crack from you?

Jason: *silence*

Stephanie: Oh wait! I see someone! I'll talk to you later.

*Full sprint down the aisle toward someone wearing a blue shirt and a name badge*

Stephanie: Ma'am! Ma'am! Excuse me! Can you tell me if you carry the water-supply lines for toilets?

"ASSociate": I have no idea.

Then she walked off. With quickness.

(And I stubbed my toe in my the parking lot. And cried the whole way home)

Stephanie: ZZZZZ

Jason: Hey...hey, babe? Are you awake?

Stephanie: ZZZZ...hmm...what?

Jason: Are you awake?


Jason: Um, no.

Stephanie: Did you crack the toilet?!!?

Jason: NO.

Stephanie: Oh.

Jason: Stole.

Stephanie: What?

Jason: Stole. You know? You asked earlier what rhymes with "hole"? Well, stole does. And you say it all the time.

Stephanie: What?

Jason: You say "stole" all the time. You say, "He done stole it!" and I laugh because it's cute.

Stephanie: Jason.

Jason: You're so cute.

Stephanie: Jason. For the love of God and baby Jesus. It's two-thirty in the morning.

Jason: I know! I laid three more tiles.

Stephanie: JASON! GO TO BED!

Jason: Okay.

Stephanie: Sweet Fancy Moses on a bicycle.

I'm really glad our big idea of buying houses and flipping them never panned out. I would really like to continue loving him.


Bethany said...

Three tiles? PROGRESS!!

Jill said...

Seriously, you almost killed me. Because my nose is stuffed up and I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe at all. Either you're fricking hilarious (even more so than normal, which IS saying something), or I need to get some sleep.

Jill said...

also, where the frack is your
'share on facebook button', because anything that makes me laugh that hard needs to be shared.

Karen said...

"Sweet fancy Moses on a bicycle"


I am so using this one! I have no idea how I can work that into a conversation but OMG that is fracking hilarious!

Jill said...

you only got 4 comments on this? what is wrong with people? I digress. would you play a meme with me?