1) No one needs to know what you had for breakfast every day.
2) It's really cool how you never listen to anything I say. Thanks for that.
3) Manners. You need some.
4) I'm all for healthy self-esteem hon, but seriously? No one is so attractive that they need to post photos of themselves seven times a day to Facebook. No one.
5) I totally understand you can't do anything about your kid now. You should have tried doing something about your kid like twelve years ago when it might have made a difference. Whoopsie!
6) Stop copying me. It's lame.
7) I really want to like you, but you make the worst life decisions of anyone I've ever seen. Considering the people I know, this is saying a lot.
8) I sincerely hope you are saving the $1.2 billion which will be required to get your poor children through all the therapy they will desperately need from having to deal with you.
9) Bless your heart, do you ever stop talking? Everyone stopped listening like ten minutes ago.
10) Yes, I know. Your life sucks. You have a harder life than anyone, ever.
Perhaps you should consider getting off your dead ass and doing
something about it? Just a thought.
11) Girl. He's not even cute. You can do better.
12) I know he's your kid and you automatically make excuses for him, but the way he acts is not so much because he's a "boy" as it is because he's a "dickhead".
13) It's stunning how you make horrible life choices and people repeatedly feel sorry for you because "you try so hard!" and "your life is so difficult!". Hint: You have more opportunities and means than about 90% of the people I know. You just do dumb things and then make excuses about said dumb things. I don't feel sorry for you.
14) Dude. Everything is not a competition. I can sometimes just tell you something without you going, "That happened to me too except it was XYZ". Seriously. Sometimes you could just let me tell you things. You don't have to "win".
15) I am a much better friend to you than you are to me.
16) I'm not talking to you about politics. Stop trying to engage me.
17) Someone on the internet is wrong? Well. By all means. Please feel free to spend hours telling them all about how wrong they are instead of, you know, doing whatever it is you are supposed to do during the day. That will surely show them the error of their ways.
18) I am utterly, painfully aware of my imperfections. I don't need you to point them out. Thanks.
19) You? Disappoint.
20) You are one of the best, sweetest, nicest, kindest people I know. Never change.
*Not an exhaustive list.