Thursday, April 18, 2013

A typical day on Facebook

By Stephanie, age 37


Guy 1: You'll pry my guns out of my cold dead hands!

Girl 1: I cannot believe that anyone would ever want a gun! Wake up America!

Guy 2: Abortion is wrong! No one should ever have an abortion! Abortion is the worst thing ever of all time!

Girl 2: Keep your business out of my uterus!

Guy 1: Here are a number of pictograms that I have taken from various internet sources to show you my feelings on guns.

Guy 3: Gay people should never get married! God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Guy 2: It's MY Facebook page and I can write whatever I WANT on it! I have FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

Girl 3: Everyone has the right to get married!

Girl 4: Going to the gym!

Guy 3: Nuh-uh, Girl 3! The Bible says that they can't, and I believe in God!

Girl 3: You jerk, Guy 3! I believe in God and God loves everyone!

Girl 4: Look at my new haircut!

Guy 4: Everything bad that has ever happened in the history of all time is because of Obama.

Guy 5: Everything bad that ever happened in the history of all time was because of anyone who was president before Obama.

Girl 2: I love Obama!

Girl 4: Two guys at the gym were hitting on me! Going to pay my light bill!

Guy 2: God says abortion is wrong and no one should ever have an abortion.

Girl 5: This is how I feel today! *insert picture of Daffy Duck remarking on how much he loves Fridays*

Girls 6-9: *sharing picture of Daffy Duck from Girl 5* Amen!

Girl 10: Here's a picture of my adorable baby!

Everyone: OMG cutest kid ever!

Girl 4: Time for lunch! *insert photo of lunch*

Girl 2: Please delete me if you don't like what I have to say.

Girl 11: Here is a blog post I read last week that I think really encapsulates everything I feel about being a woman and mother.

Girls 6-9: *sharing blog post from Girl 11* Truth!

Girl 12: OMG, I hate that blog post about being a woman and mother that everyone is sharing. Here's another blog post that encapsulates my feelings on that first blog post.

Girls 6-9: *sharing blog post from Girl 12* Yes!

Girl 4: I wore this outfit last night and three guys hit on me! They thought I was totally younger than I am! LOLZ! *insert photo of girl in snazzy outfit*

Guy 6: None of the tragedies we hear about on the news are actually real. It's all conspiracy theories. Here are several articles from Wikipedia that prove I am right and you are wrong.

Guy 4: Here are several political cartoons which express my feelings regarding Obama.

Girl 4: Look how cute I am in my bathing suit!

Guy 7: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl 13: Why are men such jerks?

Girl 4: Would someone just compliment me for the love of God?

Girl 9: You look really cute in that bathing suit Girl 4.

Girl 4: *frantically sharing fourteen pictures of herself* OMG you guys! People tell me how cute I am ALL THE TIME! It makes me blush!

Girl 14: I am really sad about all those people who died in the tragedy today.

Guy 2: You should be sad about all those babies that die from abortion.

Girl 4: I am so sad. But I don't want to talk about it.

Guy 7: WOOOOOOOOOO! EATING STEAK ON THE LAKE!

Girl 4: Lonely.

Guy 7: Why are women so complicated?

Girl 15: Here are several recipes for delicious foods.

Girl 6: I love all these things! *insert picture of a puppy and a kitten sharing the same teacup*

Girl 13: Does anyone know any nice guys? *changes relationship status to single*

Girl 4: I've never been this sad and lonely, but nobody ask me about it because I don't want to talk about it.

Girl 16: Here goes eleven photos of how drunk I got last night!

Guy 7: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GIRL 16 U R HOTTTTTT!

Girl 4: Didn't anyone hear how lonely I am?

Girl 9: I'm sorry you are lonely Girl 4.

Girl 4: I know who my true friends are! Did you see the picture of me in my bathing suit?

Girl 14: I just donated money to XYZ.

Guy 7: Will I ever find true love?

Guy 3: You should never donate money to XYZ. They support abortion and hate puppies and love gay marriage.

Girl 4: Why isn't everyone LOOKING AT ME?!!?!

Girl 16: Here goes my favorite Bible verse.

Guy 7: WOOOOOOOOOOO! MORE BEER!


Me:

Here's a picture of my dog. Wearing a scarf for some reason.





(Won't tell you which of the above I've been guilty of personally. I'm sure if you've ever seen my Facebook page, you already know.)

The end.

5 comments:

MadameQueen said...

This is the BEST.THING.EVER.

Can I share it on FB? LOL It really is perfect.

Jana Holdeman Frerichs said...

FUNNY!! That made me almost spit soda straight outta my nose. Even though I am SO guilty of many these!!!!

Little Red Hen said...

Girl 4 was slaying me!!

I have such a love/hate relationship with FB.

However, I know that I puffy pink heart you!

Missy said...

LOVE and Spot on!!!!! I think you forgot the thousands of receipe's that girl#2's mom shares.

lynn said...

Hi, I just read your book (and obviously just found your blog). I think this post is hilarious! The only thing I would add is all the hashtags people leave on Facebook. #why #thisisnottwitter #thishashtagmeansnothingtoanyoneelse.