Thursday, April 18, 2013

A typical day on Facebook

By Stephanie, age 37

Guy 1: You'll pry my guns out of my cold dead hands!

Girl 1: I cannot believe that anyone would ever want a gun! Wake up America!

Guy 2: Abortion is wrong! No one should ever have an abortion! Abortion is the worst thing ever of all time!

Girl 2: Keep your business out of my uterus!

Guy 1: Here are a number of pictograms that I have taken from various internet sources to show you my feelings on guns.

Guy 3: Gay people should never get married! God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Guy 2: It's MY Facebook page and I can write whatever I WANT on it! I have FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

Girl 3: Everyone has the right to get married!

Girl 4: Going to the gym!

Guy 3: Nuh-uh, Girl 3! The Bible says that they can't, and I believe in God!

Girl 3: You jerk, Guy 3! I believe in God and God loves everyone!

Girl 4: Look at my new haircut!

Guy 4: Everything bad that has ever happened in the history of all time is because of Obama.

Guy 5: Everything bad that ever happened in the history of all time was because of anyone who was president before Obama.

Girl 2: I love Obama!

Girl 4: Two guys at the gym were hitting on me! Going to pay my light bill!

Guy 2: God says abortion is wrong and no one should ever have an abortion.

Girl 5: This is how I feel today! *insert picture of Daffy Duck remarking on how much he loves Fridays*

Girls 6-9: *sharing picture of Daffy Duck from Girl 5* Amen!

Girl 10: Here's a picture of my adorable baby!

Everyone: OMG cutest kid ever!

Girl 4: Time for lunch! *insert photo of lunch*

Girl 2: Please delete me if you don't like what I have to say.

Girl 11: Here is a blog post I read last week that I think really encapsulates everything I feel about being a woman and mother.

Girls 6-9: *sharing blog post from Girl 11* Truth!

Girl 12: OMG, I hate that blog post about being a woman and mother that everyone is sharing. Here's another blog post that encapsulates my feelings on that first blog post.

Girls 6-9: *sharing blog post from Girl 12* Yes!

Girl 4: I wore this outfit last night and three guys hit on me! They thought I was totally younger than I am! LOLZ! *insert photo of girl in snazzy outfit*

Guy 6: None of the tragedies we hear about on the news are actually real. It's all conspiracy theories. Here are several articles from Wikipedia that prove I am right and you are wrong.

Guy 4: Here are several political cartoons which express my feelings regarding Obama.

Girl 4: Look how cute I am in my bathing suit!

Guy 7: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl 13: Why are men such jerks?

Girl 4: Would someone just compliment me for the love of God?

Girl 9: You look really cute in that bathing suit Girl 4.

Girl 4: *frantically sharing fourteen pictures of herself* OMG you guys! People tell me how cute I am ALL THE TIME! It makes me blush!

Girl 14: I am really sad about all those people who died in the tragedy today.

Guy 2: You should be sad about all those babies that die from abortion.

Girl 4: I am so sad. But I don't want to talk about it.


Girl 4: Lonely.

Guy 7: Why are women so complicated?

Girl 15: Here are several recipes for delicious foods.

Girl 6: I love all these things! *insert picture of a puppy and a kitten sharing the same teacup*

Girl 13: Does anyone know any nice guys? *changes relationship status to single*

Girl 4: I've never been this sad and lonely, but nobody ask me about it because I don't want to talk about it.

Girl 16: Here goes eleven photos of how drunk I got last night!


Girl 4: Didn't anyone hear how lonely I am?

Girl 9: I'm sorry you are lonely Girl 4.

Girl 4: I know who my true friends are! Did you see the picture of me in my bathing suit?

Girl 14: I just donated money to XYZ.

Guy 7: Will I ever find true love?

Guy 3: You should never donate money to XYZ. They support abortion and hate puppies and love gay marriage.

Girl 4: Why isn't everyone LOOKING AT ME?!!?!

Girl 16: Here goes my favorite Bible verse.



Here's a picture of my dog. Wearing a scarf for some reason.

(Won't tell you which of the above I've been guilty of personally. I'm sure if you've ever seen my Facebook page, you already know.)

The end.


Leandra said...

This is the BEST.THING.EVER.

Can I share it on FB? LOL It really is perfect.

Jana Holdeman Frerichs said...

FUNNY!! That made me almost spit soda straight outta my nose. Even though I am SO guilty of many these!!!!

Little Red Hen said...

Girl 4 was slaying me!!

I have such a love/hate relationship with FB.

However, I know that I puffy pink heart you!

Missy said...

LOVE and Spot on!!!!! I think you forgot the thousands of receipe's that girl#2's mom shares.

Lynn said...

Hi, I just read your book (and obviously just found your blog). I think this post is hilarious! The only thing I would add is all the hashtags people leave on Facebook. #why #thisisnottwitter #thishashtagmeansnothingtoanyoneelse.