Around town, with the Boy Child

My son and I were driving down one of the main roads in our town at approximately the appropriate speed limit. Someone drove past us as though we were sitting still, presumably in order to beat everyone to the red light which was thirty feet away.

The car that triumphantly got a few extra seconds at the red light had a "Baby on Board" sign on the back of their car. This? Made me laugh hysterically.

Since my son understands exactly who I am, I did not have to explain why I was laughing hysterically. He immediately said,

"GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'LL KILL MYSELF AND THE BABY TO GET THERE IF I HAVE TO!"

To which I replied,

"ME AND MY BABY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE! GET OUT THE WAY FOOL!"

I then nearly peed myself laughing as we pulled up next to the car and he scoffed, "There isn't even a baby in there!"

We needed to go to the library. Our town is really, really small. The library is close to the college which, unfortunately for everyone who needs to drive in our town, is back in session. After nearly being killed six times by people with out-of-state plates who were too busy texting to notice they were, you know, about to kill someone, we finally arrived at our destination.

The boy decided he would just drop the sixteen books we had in the drop-box. School starts next week for him so he wants to see if he'll have time to read before he checks out any more. He thinks if he doesn't have Spanish class the first semester he will. If he does? Forget it.

I parked the car to wait on him. He came back to the car, laughing.

"That truck over there has the windows down," he told me. "Their conversation is hilarious."

"What did they say?"

"They said, 'Well! That's the soup!'"



I have no idea why this is funny. It just is.


On our way back we passed our town museum of art.

"That's the saddest little museum ever," my son told me.

"It's nice inside."

"Yeah, but it's so small. It's like, 'Hey! We have TWO paintings now! We're really trying here!'"

Our car pulled to the next intersection.

"The STARBUCKS. THE STARBUCKS is bigger than the museum of art!"

"I know, right?"

"MOM. SCOTT'S CLEANERS is bigger than the ART MUSEUM!"

"Dude. I know."




At home, we sat down to have lunch together.

"Our neighbor told me this morning her baby is due next week. It's a boy," I told him.

"That's good. Now her daughter will have a brother."

"Yeah, I told her, 'Boys are so much fun!' but she gave me a disbelieving look."

"She's probably right," he agreed. "I know a lot of boys who are dickheads."








That's my boy, you guys. That's. My. Boy.