1) I am nice to you on the phone but I sit at my desk and flip you a bird while we talk. Also, when I put you on hold? I say to myself, "This guy is such an a-hole" and when I hang up I loudly tell my dog what a dickface you are.
2) Also? Get off your dead ass and do your own work instead of expecting me to do everything and then shrieking at me like a little girl about how it isn't exactly to your standards. Tool.
3) If you have a problem with the fact that my daughter is "skinny", that's on you. She's normal. She's beautiful. She would never talk smack about YOUR body, so what gives you the right to get all offended and huffy that she's different than you? You are the one with the problem. Not her.
4) Perhaps you didn't learn this in Drivers Ed, but STOP signs actually mean you have to stop. Not think about stopping. Not pay no attention because you are texting and blow right through. Not assume that since 90% of the time no one is coming and it should all work out okay. Not pause. It means stop. Wait. Look both ways. Proceed with caution.
5) Similarly? A red light means you stop. Not you just keep on going even though the other persons light is already green. You aren't so freaking special that you need to endanger me and my dog because you decided you didn't want to wait until the next light cycle. Ass.
6) When you do stupid, racist, sexist, arrogant crap and say, "In the name of Jesus!" I want to call you up and say, "Are you sure? Are you sure it's in the name of Jesus? Are you sure it's not in the name of NO ONE?"
Dude. Jesus doesn't approve of your malarkey. Don't even go there.
7) It is unnecessary to photograph yourself twelve times a day and post it on various social media. Your kids? Yes. Your dog? Most definitely. You? No.
8) Quit calling me at 8pm. Seriously. You know I'm not going to answer. You are at your office many, many hours that I am in my office. Call me then. Also? If you ever call me at 5:30am again I will drive the hundreds of miles to get to your office and punch you in your face. With my car.
9) Stop congratulating yourself for everything you do. I'm really big on doing charity work. I think it's fantastic. It's also unnecessary to post everything charitable you do on Facebook.
10) Also, if you just do things for charity so people will tell you how awesome you are? You aren't awesome.