While I think it's just super that you have such a high opinion of yourself, it's kind of making you come across poorly these days. And by "poorly" I mean you look like a complete assbag.
No one is perfect. Even if you were otherwise perfect? Your lack of humility about it is extraordinarily off-putting.
Please reconsider this.
Dear my friend's ex-boyfriend,
You suck. She can (and will!) do much better.
Not love, but I don't care enough about you to hate so:
There's this magical device on the side of your steering wheel that apparently you are afraid to touch. It's called a TURN SIGNAL. Do you know that if you use it then people know where you are going? And that if you don't use it you are a douchehat? Especially if someone is waiting on you at a stop sign and you never use the darn thing and instead just wait until the last second and violently lurch to the right?
Well now you know.
SO MUCH HATE,
It's eleven thousand degrees. Please put on the shorts I purchased for you.
Dear my husband,
Please stop repeating the same things over and over in an effort to make me "understand" what you are trying to say. I "understand" just fine, I just don't "agree". What you really want is for me to agree so you keep trying to make me agree by saying that clearly I don't understand.
You saying things over and over again will not make me agree with you. In fact, it might make me want to completely ignore you.
I understand. Really. 100%. Lack of understanding is not the issue.
To the jerks who insist upon texting and driving,
I wish you would all just go to some island somewhere where you can crash into each other and the rest of us wouldn't have to worry about how stupid you are. FYI, that "lol" you just sent? Is not worth my life. Or my dad's life. Or my dog's life. So put down the stupid phone and concentrate on what you are doing. Amazingly, there were many, many years where people were not in constant communication with one another and everything turned out fine. You telling someone you'll be there in five minutes can wait five minutes until you actually, you know, show up.
Here's a novel idea: get off your dead ass and do it for yourself. Stop asking me to do your job. I'm not your friend, your mom, or your secretary.
Dear my body,
Please do what I ask you to do and stop being such a tool.
Love and hugs,
Please give this old girl a break. Soon.
Love and kisses,