Um, spoilers ahead. Obviously.
So, anyway. As part of my ongoing commitment to helping you guys and bettering the internet community, I watched the first episode of Teen Mom 2 last night, and now I'm going to tell you all about it so you don't have to watch it too. I know. I'm pretty great. You're welcome.
I'm not going to recap it because, um, no need. You'll figure it out. I swear. It's not rocket surgery.
Dang girl, what about that house you bought? Good on you! I did love Randy's comment though, "You know what's really good about that? I'm not buying the house." We all feel that way, Randy. We really do.
Side note: Why did they have to go upstairs to talk about Adam's crash?
Adam's baby is cute. Conversation with his significantly more attractive friend was so stilted and weird. You just know the MTV producer is off to the side saying, "Now you guys talk about the accident!" Yes. Totally normal conversation there. No pressure.
Why would Adam assume Chelsea would say something to Aubree about the car crash? Pretty sure Chelsea tries not to talk about Adam at all. Or at least I would if I were her. Maybe that's just me.
Also, are they just trying to come up with some drama for Chelsea? OH MY GOD A LETTER THAT ACCUSES ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO. So, um, respond to it and say you didn't do it? This is what adults do. Not hard.
Additionally, Landon needs to come assist me with my eyebrows.
You know, I really can't hate on our friend Chels that much, even though she says every single thing with an upward inflection at the end and when she says, "Dad" it sounds like, "DAAAAAADUH." (Funnier still when she says "Adam" is sounds like, "Adddddumbuh!"). She's pretty awesome.
Despite the fact that I'm the mother of twins and try to remember such things, I swear to God I can never recall the names of the two girls that Leah popped out (the first two. Okay, also I can't remember the name of the other one either. My bad. They all start with A).
So, in the opening scene was Blond A spraying hairspray in someone's face? Because based on everything I know about Leah, this would totally make sense.
Leah works at a place called "TanFastiq"? That is just so perfect.
Okay, seriously how many issues could Leah and "Germy" have? They've been married for like twenty minutes. I'm fairly certain they hate each other though, so I imagine that could be the primary issue they are having.
Did Leah and her husband SRSLY get in Baby A's crib with her? Whut. (Side note: I'm pretty sure there could never be a doubt about the paternity of Baby A. She could not look more like her father if he had given birth to her himself.) (Side note again: Did they seriously put leopard or cheetah print on that baby's walls? Whut again.)
Corey? Solid hipster beard, particularly with the camo. Love that West Virginia look. Smexy.
How many times did Corey say "Muscle dystrophy?" Does he think that's actually what it's called? I'm perplexed by this information.
Glasses A can come live with me anytime. She is so adorable that I am slain. I love how she periodically gives her parents the big side-eye. They totally deserve it.
Side note: Leah's hair in the drop-off scene? Oh girl. No.
Leah. Texting while driving? OH GIRL. NO. You suck for that, seriously.
Love Corey and Miranda's explanation to each other of events that happened when they were both present. That wasn't contrived at all, no not even a little. (Note: thank you to whatever producer whispered to Corey prior to that scene, "It's MUSCULAR dystrophy." That helped. Also, the kid can totally pronounce it better than her dad and he's got, what like, at least 17 years on her, right? She should teach classes at whatever community college Leah was attending for about twelve minutes a few seasons ago.)
I did love the scene at the restaurant between Glasses A and Leah. Such a sweet moment. My heart is all full for this kid I'll never know in real life. I was shouting at the television, "YOU CAN WALK GLASSES! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Jason gave me an ugly look and told me to keep my voice down. Clearly, he doesn't understand my generation.
"Being a teen mom has never been easy,". Girl, like you would know.
"I'm still legally married to Courtland. And we have stay separated for a year before I can file for divorce in North Carolina. But I want to start a family with my new boyfriend Nathan, right away. And now we're pregnant." Well. That escalated quickly. I see nothing that can go wrong here, how about you guys?
Scene in which Jenelle and her frienemy Amber (didn't they get in a fist fight over a sweatshirt once?) are talking: Oh my God, did she not look JUST like BAAAAAAAARBRA here? Just like her! Freaky!
"My mom likes Nathan a lot. She thinks he's going to be a great father, she just thinks he's a little bit controlling." Again. Nothing worrisome here, right?
..."And because he has his third DUI..." Bingo! Solid work, Jenelle. Perfect.
"Public Disturbance of Peace" Complete with air-quotes. I'm going to start working this into every possible conversation as frequently as I can. Just so you all know.
"So now both of us are facing jail time, technically". Seems legit.
What kind of place did they go to get that sonogram? It did not seem like a doctor's office. Also, why was Nathan wearing a Cosby-sweater and a tie for this appointment? Did they have a hot date at the Olive Garden afterward?
When Barbara appeared on screen? ANGELS SANG. I've missed her and YA BOOOOOOOOOYFRIEND.
"Kaiser! That's like a beer. Isn't that a beer?" Barbara. Never change. Evah.
"Like, I can't not be away from another one of my childs." No, seriously. Nathan said this. I'm fairly certain English is his first language. I turned on closed captioning and everything because I could not believe what I was hearing. Grammar=On point.
I love when people just casually discuss jail. Is this real life?
Nathan's attorney quickly proved to be one of my favorite people in the whole episode. I love when people call a spade a spade (or in Nathan's case, when people call a complete a&*hole a complete a&*hole).
Isaac is about the cutest kid I've ever seen in my whole life. My LAWD. He is just sweetness.
Anyway. Kailyn busting Javi's nuts about him not encouraging Isaac to go to visit Joe? Don't even start with that mess girl. You all know that if poor Javi had said two words about it, girlfriend would have jumped all over him. She needs to STAAAAAAAAAAPH. All children that age (4) don't want to do something sometimes and get whiny about it. He could have just as easily been saying, "I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaant to go to McDonalds!" or something similar. Not to mention, the kid has had cameras in his face since he was in his mom's womb, his mom just had a baby, and I imagine having to commute that much would be pretty darn stressful even if you aren't even in school yet. Let's cut the kid a break, please.
"Stop yelling at Lincoln's daddy"! Out of the mouth of babes. Heed this, please.
KAILYN. SUPPORT THE BABY'S HEAD WHEN YOU PICK HIM UP. CHEESE AND RICE.
Blah, blah, blah cut to the end credits. Sad music plays. See ya next week!