Why I'll never be Employee of the Month. By Stephanie, age 34

It's no secret that I really love working, or at least the associated paychecks. So today, just because I care (and also because I have a really cool new camera), I thought I'd show you around where I live.

Here's my phone, which I spend entirely too much time on:

Yes, that says what you think it says. And yes, it sits right on my desk. Don't hate.

Here is part of my current collection of soda cans. Because I don't drink coffee and have to stay awake. 4:30am is EARLY. The green thing is my "Bubba Keg" which is what I drink my water from. Incidentally, if you carry a Bubba Keg into the breakroom and stand anywhere NEAR the coffee pot? A bunch of men get their panties into a big wad and tell you not to drink all the coffee. To which you should reply, "The sticky side of the pad goes DOWN, sir." Yes you should.

I believe this is the only threatening sign I have currently.

My son's fabulous artwork and my "What Would a Unicorn do?" spinner which I use to make all important decision. (Actually? It's taped down to "Impale evil things" so that the decision I always make. It works for me.)

I forget the story about this little man, but he hangs on the side of the wall that separates me and my co-worker so I'm pretty sure she had something to do with it. I do know for sure that one of my co-workers put that little green leaf there to cover Mr. Man's non-existent peen. They are such prudes.

The heart of my whole operation. Granola type bars, Diet Pepsi, my mouse, my scissors and various pens. What more does a girl need?

And finally, me and one of my beautiful co-workers who for some reason took a cue from both my children while taking this photo. She's still way cuter than me even with her tongue out.

Don't you wish you worked with me?