I am a Christian.
I don't talk about it a lot, for two reasons. One being that a lot of people who proclaim to be Christians are really hateful and judgemental and bitchy, all in the name of the Lord, and I don't want to be lumped into that category. Also, because I'm really hateful and judgemental and bitchy just in general, and I don't want to give the real Christians a bad name because of my general assholery.
(Also? I say things like "general assholery". And? I don't feel bad about it.)
Lately, I've been compelled to be a better Christian. The real kind...the kind that have the good inner-peace thing going on. The kind that are really like Jesus, all good and loving and kind and caring of all people, not just the people who look and/or act like just them. I really, really want this, especially the inner-peace part of it. That sounds rad.
I'm not there yet. I've been a Christian for at least twenty-five years, and I'm still not there yet.
I think about this a lot and I'm pretty sure I know why I'm failing.
It's because I'm afraid.
I get really weary of being afraid all the time, but I still am. I'm afraid. Like a couple of years ago I didn't have much money, but I could carve out time (not much, but some) so I did that instead. Then I started having more money and I was able to give some of that away too. I was scared crapless to do so, but I did it. It's always okay, but writing big checks scare the crap out of me. Seriously. You should see me at the grocery store. I always feel I should apologize in advance to the people in line behind me because I might have a heart attack at any moment, particularly since milk is like $400 now.
It's always okay. It always is. But it is scary. The fear sneaks up on me at night sometimes. It never permanently goes away, even when I am more stable, even when the bank account is healthy, even when everything seems to be okay. When everything really should be okay.
I don't know how to fully trust. I don't think I'm good enough. I've failed so many times. I don't feel worthy of anything, including my children, my husband and my job. How could I possibly feel worthy of everything else I've been given? Of the times my life was spared? How my children got to live when so many others do not?
I know Jesus loves me. I know he's like so into me, for real. I get that.
I don't know why I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm afraid to just let go and trust.