Thursday, June 9, 2011

Open Letters: It's-hot-and-I'm-cranky Edition!

Dear Al Gore and your stupid global warming,

Bite me.


Dear My Dog,

I know you love going outside. I also love when you get to go outside as it's pretty fracking adorable to see you bound gleefully out the door with your tail wagging furiously. However, going outside makes you smell like a skunk ate it's own vomit and then died. Six times.

Sadly, when you come back inside for some reason you always want to sit ON me. So You weigh 66lbs and you smell like crapholes. I know you are a dog and not capable of any kind of deep thoughts other than "the maple kind?!!?" but let me just tell you. It doesn't really work for me.

I love you and love you and love you though. So there's that.

Kisses for real,
Your mom

Dear Cashier at the CVS,

Honey, you are just sweet as pie and I really do appreciate that, but the reason I bring my own bag into the store (with my GreenBag Tag, HOLLA!) is so that I can put my purchase in my own, reusable bag and not have to use a plastic one. You putting my purchase into a plastic bag and then into my reusable bag? Kind of defeats the purpose.

You are still just precious though, so thanks for that. For serious.

Your favorite customer

PS: I know I'm not really your favorite customer. But you are my favorite cashier.

Dearest husband,

It is a true fact that I absolutely adore you. You know what else I would absolutely adore? If you would calm the Hell down, please.

The sky is not falling. The world is not ending. Everything is really, really going to be okay. We do not have to do everything right! this! second!

We'll get it all figured out. Neither one of us has to have a coronary or four days of lost sleep to achieve this. We'll figure it out. I mean it.

Love you and love your face!
Your wife

PS: Also? You are adorable. Keep that up.


Zephyr said...

You don't sound all that cranky. In fact, you sound pretty sweet in these. When I'm cranky the world knows it. You fail at being cranky, but you're sweet and funny and smart so I'll forgive it. :)

val said...

Life is good sometimes, you know? And it sounds like things are good with you.

I hope the heat subsides though. love, Val