I'm trying really hard not to be jealous, as I've mentioned like a thousand times. It's getting better.
I mean, sometimes I look at the things people have and I think, "Oh, I really want that". That's okay. It's totally okay to want things.
Better than all that, I recognize that even if I occasionally want something that someone else has, I really don't want the rest of the stress/drama/whatever that would come along with having that persons life. Like, yes I'd like a fantastic vacation, but I wouldn't want to be married to her craptacular husband. Or yes, I'd like to have plenty of money in the bank, but I wouldn't want to be a miserable bitch all the time in order to have it. Or whatever. You know what I mean.
On Father's Day weekend, though, I was jealous of my sister. Very, very jealous.
She has a best friend. I don't.
She's had the same best friend since high school and she's the funniest, sweetest, smartest person. Her life hasn't been easy, but she maintains the most positive, gracious attitude. She's genuinely just a delight to be around and she absolutely loves my sister. Just adores her.
And I am jealous of that.
Well, not jealous I guess. I'm glad my sister has her and I'm glad she has my sister. I don't begrudge my sister that kind of happiness or friendship, she deserves it. I just wish I had the same thing.
It's so hard to be lonely and it's even harder to admit that a huge part of the reason I'm lonely is that I shut people out. I'm afraid. I'm embarrassed. I don't know if people will accept me for who I am. I don't know if I am ever saying the right thing or doing the right thing. So many times I've put myself out there and said, "This is me". This is who I am. And for whatever reason, and probably a lot of reasons, whoever it was said, "Nope. Not for me".
Logically, I know that's okay. I mean, you can't be everybody's cup of tea. If you were, you might wish you weren't. Some of the people who rejected me did so for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Some of the people who rejected me are not what I would call "healthy". Some of the people who rejected me did so without really ever giving me a chance.
I know all this.
But I also know that part of this, more than I like to admit, is about me.
What I don't know is how to fix it.