People mean well.
I understand this, I really, really do. I get that people say things to you when you are hurting or upset or sad that they really, honestly think will make you feel better. People aren't trying to kick you while you are down. If they care enough to say something to you then it's not with the intent to hurt you, right?
So why, when something really horrific happens, do people say, "Everything happens for a reason"? Or, "It just wasn't your time"? Or, my personal favorite, "It's not God's plan"?
Because, um, God and I? Are pretty tight. And I honestly don't think he wants me to suffer all the damn time. (Even if I say damn. He doesn't mind, I promise) I don't think God looks at the way I parent my children and says, "Oh. Hmm. She's doing a really kick-ass job with these two. I think I'll punish her by not giving her another. Because it's my plan. Watching Stephanie cry is just really enjoyable to me." I haven't swallowed a birth control pill since 2004. And, despite doing the nasty on the regular, I haven't gotten pregnant. Because it's God's plan.
I just don't believe that.
I don't believe that God looked at my mom when she was forty years old and said, "Oh, she's forty and has taken good care of herself her whole life. She has four kids, three of which still live in her home, and a grandchild on the way. I think I'll just arbitrarily strike her with breast cancer. It will be a good learning experience for her." I don't think God decided that my dad should get cancer so my sister and brother would start talking again. I don't think God caused my friend's baby to die for no discernible reason. Just cause.
Sometimes, I don't think things are planned. I don't think there is any grand scheme or reason behind a lot of this crap. I think things happen. I think they suck. But I don't think I'm being punished or rewarded necessarily. If people get punished for the bad crap they do, then why hasn't John Edwards' peener turned green and fallen off?
I don't know. I'll freely admit to anyone who will listen that I am a Christian, and I believe in God. I will just as freely admit that there are a WHOLE lot of things that I don't understand, will never understand, and am not meant to understand. I completely get that. I am completely okay with that.
But I don't think a God that I love and that loves me would be so cruel. Maybe I just can't accept what it is. Maybe I'm just a fool.
Maybe I just don't understand. I know I just don't understand.
I'm having a hard time with this.