Okay, and usually? I sort of snarl when I read that. Or I read it in a loud, mocking voice the following morning at 6am and no one is around to hear me. I'm cynical. Okay and maybe bitchy. Or maybe just really freaking cranky because it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I've somehow completely forgotten what it is to sleep. I'm not sure. All I'm sure of is, it is most frequently not a great day. Especially lately.
Today, in fact, has been particularly not a great day. I have too many decisions to make, too much on my mind, too much history and too much past. I've lost a lot of my ability to fix things. I've lamented many times in the past week or so about the fact that nothing can be easy. I've wondered if maybe I'm just failing at life because good God ya'll, life is really freaking hard. Is it supposed to be this hard? Is there a manual to tell me how I'm supposed to be doing all this? Because I really, really think I'm doing this wrong.
So I logged into my email tonight, so I could check and see what I've missed since Friday afternoon at 3pm, and I see my cheery reminder to sign my timesheet. The jovial thanks for a day they considered good and I considered questionable. Every day they include a motivational saying within the email. I'll admit that on my brighter and better days I've ever submitted a few of my own. Not lately, mind you. But in the past when things seemed a bit sunnier and motivational sayings inspired me to actions other than mockery.
I opened the email from Friday and what did I see?
I believe that. Somewhere, deep down in my soul, I actually believe that. Today I'm forced to remember what life was like when I was pregnant with two little babies at once and my husband walked out on me. How I felt like nothing would ever get any better and my life was completely over. How very much I cried and how very much I hurt and how now? I honestly don't remember what color eyes he had or what he really looked like at all. How he doesn't matter and honestly, didn't matter much then.
I was thinking yesterday about how much I've changed in the past year or two. How things that people say to me that would have destroyed me two years ago now just roll off my back. How someone once described me as an underdog and it infuriated me to the point of rage. How I swore that no one would ever, ever call me an underdog again.
Do they? Sure. But do I care? Not even a little bit.
At some point within the last year I got seriously pissed off at all the people who underestimate me. I can't think about it very much, to be honest, because I become enraged again and that's just not attractive. I've also figured out that there are a lot of people who will never, ever give me credit for all the awesome things I've been able to do, despite being a complete spaz. I can't do anything about that.
But I can remember.
And I can know, and I don't ever have to doubt.
This, too, shall pass.